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Friday, January 27, 2023

Graham Says Barr Hearing ‘Really Tested’ His Gag Reflex

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the Senate Judiciary Committee held a fiery, contentious hearing in which William Barr, Attorney General and personal defense attorney for President Donald Trump, gave testimony concerning his treatment of the Mueller Report.

To open the hearing, the committee’s chair, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), tore into Democrats in the House of Representatives who have opened several lines of inquiry and investigation into the president’s conduct both in office, and before taking office. While House Dems say they are only doing their constitutional duty to perform oversight on the executive branch, Graham believes they are still perpetuating a campaign of harassment against a president who has already cleared by the Mueller Report, even though the report specifically says it cannot and does not exonerate Mr. Trump.

Graham’s opening statement was blasted by many on the Hill and in the commentariat for trying to turn the focus from Barr and Trump to the topic of Hillary Clinton and her email server. Graham has said he’s going to push not only to re-investigate that issue, but also to investigate the Barack Obama presidential administration for potential abuses of the FISA process, which lays out how and when the government can surveil citizens. Many felt Graham was simply carrying Trump’s water, and attempting to deflect valid criticism of the multiple instances of potential obstruction of justice, and conspiracy to collude with Russian operatives, and today Sen. Graham addressed those criticisms head on as he left the Senate for lunch.

“Okay, so I defended him a little, I can admit it,” Graham told reporters. “But it wasn’t all that easy for me, okay? You have no idea how hard it was for me to give that little speech. It really tested my gag reflex.”

Senator Graham explained that he “had so much Trump in his mouth” that it threatened to travel down his throat, the entire hearing.

“As I was up there trying to make it seem like we should be more upset that Hillary Clinton had a private email server than we are that we have lawless, spoiled asshole of a president who abuses his power literally all day every day,” Sen. Graham explained, “It was like shoving every centimeter of that toadstool into my face, further and further in. At some points it felt like it was tickling my gosh darned uvula!”

He won’t be apologizing for his speech, either, Graham said, because he feels it’s his “duty to protect Trump first, the Republican Party second, and the Constitution and country eventually, at some point.”

“No I will not apologize! Why should I? These Democrats are trying to hold a Republican president responsible as if they’re Republicans and he’s a black guy or a Clinton,” Graham said with exasperation, “and I cannot stand for that! I will not stand for that. I have a duty to protect Trump first, the Republican Party second, and the Constitution and country, eventually, at some point.”

Reached for comment, President Trump said he was “bigly proud and happy that little turd boy Graham” defended him so vociferously.

“Lindsey is like Lyin’ Ted. I own him. Own him like I owned a series of HUGELY successful casinos that only closed down because they were TOO profitable,” Trump said. “I just love it when people who used to tell the truth about me become my little bitches, like Ted and Lindsey. It’s so great.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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