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Saturday, April 1, 2023

Rep. Greene Opening New Qrossfit Gym

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Never one to shy away from attempting to capitalize on her name and infamy, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia, has decided to open a new gym, devoted only to the style of athletic training and workouts known as “qrossfit.”

“What’s Qrossfit you ask? Well, I’ll show you,” Greene says in a new video hyping the launch of her new gym. “First, you pull out your trusty crack pipe. I go literally nowhere without ol’ Cracky here.”

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Greene can then be seen lighting a small butane torch. She applies the heat from the torch to a crack rock, which is resting in Cracky’s bowl. After taking a good, long hit, Greene holds it in, then exhales before continuing.

“The next thing you do is you go to www.Qdrops.com,” Greene said, sucking in crack smoke from Cracky as she continued, “and you read a good, solid, six or seven hours worth of the most wacky stuff you can find. Then you tell your little brain to go ahead and think of that wacky stuff as truth. Don’t forget! You have your trust crack pipe for a reason, in case your brain doesn’t want to accept the wackiness as true.”

While she doesn’t demonstrate any of the actual exercises that Qrossfit entail, Rep. Greene did preview her general workout routine for the American people earlier this week. In a tweet that went viral, Greene posted a short clip of herself working out, and implied that she doesn’t want or need to get a covid-19 vaccine because of it. Many people commented on her unorthodox form, and were reminded that Greene, a noted and avid fan of working out, was using crossfit techniques.

“Fam, qcrossfit is going to absolutely blow your mind and body up like it was hit with a secret space laser,” Greene promised. “So, look for Qrazy Qrossfit to open in your neighborhood, sometime in the fall!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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