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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Greene: No School Ever Closed Down ‘Because of Spontaneous Combustion’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Congressmare Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) doesn’t want any schools in her home state, or the country at large, to shut down because of the omicron variant of COVID-19.

Greene, who says she didn’t support locking down schools and businesses to fight the novel coronavirus that caused 2020’s deadly pandemic, told reporters today that she would “fight like hell” to keep schools from shutting down  due due to the omicron variant of COVID-19, even if it proves to be as dangerous as the delta, or original strains.

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Greene’s reasoning, in part, was based on her belief that kids are “tougher than we think” and “socialism is far more worser for them” anyway. Greene also argued that not every threat to children’s lives force to schools close down entirely.

“We don’t shut down schools every year because cancer kills thousands of kids, and if we shut down schools because guns could kill them, no kid would ever see the inside of another class. Hell, we don’t even shut schools because of spontaneous combustion,” Greene said as she stamped her cloven feet.

An angry Greene continued.

“Think about it! If a kid explodes, or even ten hundred thousand kids explode, we don’t even lock down our schools. If we expect our kids to soldier on when their classmates are exploding, then omicron shouldn’t be no different,” Greene insisted.

Rep. Greene whinnied, brayed, and then promised to “do something performative and irrelevant” to force schools to close when their students start exploding.

“And I mean from the very first kid who explodes. Maybe in Sleepy Commie Joe’s socialist American Republic of Soros you can let a few hundred kids spontaneously combust, but on not in The Mystical Land of Bongino’s Bunghole! Not on my watch! You’ll get a fight,” Greene shout-rant-farted.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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