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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Kimberly Guilfoyle’s Mouth Still Stuck Like That

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports from the nation’s capital are that the son’s third most intelligent son’s trophy sex-Nazi’s mouth is still locked in the place it was when she finished her speech for the 2020 Republican National Convention.

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According to Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the Washington Medical Group, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle may need an emergency procedure done to put her jaw back into its proper place. Ms. Guilfoyle, whose time in the public eye has included a marriage to prominent Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom of California, a Fox News Islamaphobia expert, and now as Trump Jr’s girlfriend. Last night, Guilfoyle delivered an angry rant in front of a virtual audience watching the 2020 RNC, and ended her speech in a triumphant pose, mouth agape, and her hands and arms outstretched.

“We’ve all heard our mothers warn us not to make that face or it’ll get stuck like that,” Dr. Hornaydieux said, “and I’m sure most of us have laughed off that warning because it doesn’t have any basis in science or medicine. It looks like we all might have been very, very wrong about that.”

Because this is a brand new, just discovered medical condition, it doesn’t have a name yet, Dr. Hornaydieux said. However, there are some names being bandied about. Most of them pay tribute to Ms. Guilfoyle in some way, but others reference other conservative pundits.

“At the office, we’ve been throwing around all kinds of names for this condition,” Hornaydieux admitted. “We’re leaning toward Trumpublicanitis, because no pro-Trump Republican seems to be able to keep their mouth shut for very long, with or without giving a weird Hunger Games speech.”

In order to restore Guilfoyle’s face to its regular “resting fascist bitch” state, doctors will employ a handful of techniques. None of them have been proven to work on a locked face, Hornaydieux said, but he doesn’t think that will pose a problem for Ms. Guilfoyle.

“She’s a Trumpist. These people think that you can inject bleach, stare at the eclipse, and use untested Lupus drugs for COVID-19,” Hornaydieux said. “Something tells me Kim won’t give a shit what we inject her with. Clearly she’s okay with have strange and weird things inside of her if she’s dating a Trump.”

You can watch Guilfoyle’s entire speech from the first night of the Republican National Convention, below:

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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