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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

White Guy Annoyed Black Community Won’t Listen To His Advice About Problems He Says They Don’t Have

PAS D’EMPATHIE, CONNECTICUT — Matthew Palumbozo is 26, white, and extremely confident he knows how to solve every problem facing the African-American community, if only they’d listen to him.

“First of all,” Palumbozo sounded off in a recent YouTube rant, “they have to be willing to admit that the only problems they face are the ones white people acknowledge. Sure, we could see fifteen black suspects shot dead when a) their alleged crime doesn’t carry the death penalty and b) sometimes they’re not even armed. But unless an until we white folk deign to acknowledge it, a problem doesn’t really exist.”

Later in his YouTube rant, posted to his Facebook page Right-Biased America, Palumbozo seemed confused. He wanted to know why black Americans ignore the advice of right-wing, white Americans, even though by and large the right tends to downplay issues that African-Americans protest.

“Why won’t they listen to my suggestions to fix problems I tell them don’t actually exist,” Mr. Palumbozo demanded.

Palumbozo dug in even deeper during his video rant.

“I don’t get it,” he wailed, “Just because I regularly tell them they don’t actually have any problems, they think they should ignore me? They get to pretend as if my opinion doesn’t matter just because I pretend as if systemic racism doesn’t matter? What gives?”

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Then, Palumbozo reiterated previous rants he’s made regarding protests. He said that “Black Lives Matters terrorists” don’t understand that protesting in ways that “make white people nervous” is bad because “white people need to feel good at all times, otherwise [they] won’t act.” He said that if “you’re dying of thirst in a desert and a white guy with a full canteen is your companion, don’t mention your thirst” because “you’ll die with a dry mouth.”

“If they would just peacefully protest like Martin Luther King,” Palumbozo said, “they’d end up just fine. Shot dead, but fine.”

Reading a comment from a previous YouTube video, Palumbozo got angry. The commenter had pointed out that even when black people protest peacefully, such as NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. The San Francisco 49er quarterback has been at the center of negative heat from right-wingers in America for protesting police brutality of black Americans. His protest has been to sit or kneel during the National Anthem, which is played before every game.

Palumbozo doesn’t agree with that form of protest either.

“Kaepernick and the other athletes are protesting peacefully, sure,” Palumbozo conceded as he wrapped up his video, “but they’re not protesting in a way that makes white people comfortable! Doesn’t that count for something?”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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