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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Hannity: “The Classiest First Couple in History is Leaving the White House”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — It seems that the mass of Spam and racist Breitbart headlines that doctors call Sean Hannity’s “brain” is starting to fully process what happened back in November.

For weeks, Hannity’s closest friends say he’s struggled mightily with the fact that his good friend and outgoing President Donald J. Trump lost his re-election bid to former-Vice President Joe Biden. He’s gone through the stages of grief over the course of the last couple of months, and that’s why he helped Trump push the baseless allegations of election fraud that culminated in a deadly, violent mob attacking the capitol as Congress certified Biden’s victory. This morning on his radio show, however, Hannity started talking in a way that indicates he has come to grips with the fact that Trump’s time in office is nearly finished.

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“Yes, okay? Yes, I admit it now. Donald John God Emperor King Trump is not going to be president after January 20th, 2021,” Hannity said, clearly fighting back tears as he spoke, “and when Sleepy Joe takes the oath, that’ll be the end of the MAGA Era in the White House. I have to say, I’m really not taking this very well; my feelings are so raw, and the more I think about this, the sadder I get when I think about all the things that are going change; the things that will be so very different in a Democrat administration.”

In particular, Hannity says he’s “absolutely devastated” when he thinks about the First Couple leaving the White House.

“Those two beautiful souls moved into the White House in January of 2017, and I felt like everything was truly right in the world. We have never seen so much love between a president and his First Lady,” Hannity sobbed. “Now? Well, now we all have to watch as the classiest First Couple in history is leaving the White House, and I am utterly beside myself with anguish and pain.”

What’s making Hannity even more nervous is that he can’t seem to get either the president or his First Lady to respond to his calls or texts.

“I just texted Ivanka twenty minutes ago, and I haven’t gotten anything back. I’m worried about their mental state, and I want them to let me know they’re okay,” Hannity pleaded with his audience. “Ivanka, if you are listening, please, just call in and let us know that you and your father-lover are okay. The true patriots and domestic terrorists of this great nation stand behind you as he stands behind you as well, making comments about your turd cutter, as he calls it.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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