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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Despondent Sean Hannity Can’t Believe the Confederacy Is Without a President Again

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — There are millions of Trump supporters all across America reeling from the stinging rebuke their Dear President received three weeks ago. Despite their confidence going into Election Day, when the dust settled and all the votes were counted, President Donald J. Trump did in fact lose to Sleepy BoBeepyToTeepyMoMeepy Joe Biden, and by the end of January 2021, Trump will no longer be anyone’s president.

Fox News host Sean Hannity is reportedly taking Trump’s loss especially hard. According to several sources, Sean has been angry, depressed, and despondent since about three days after the election. Outwardly, he might be putting on a brave face and supporting the president’s attempts to overturn the election, but his closest friends and allies say deep down Hannity has accepted Trump’s fate. This morning, on his radio show, Hannity explained in a little more detail just why he’s so upset at the fact that Trump lost to Biden.

MORE: Obama Reminds Biden White House Trash Day is Tuesday

“Folks, I’m just so sad. I’m honestly just so sad, for my dear friend Donald Trump, of course,” Hannity told his audience, “but also for this great country of ours. It’s once again going to be rudderless and without a president, and frankly I don’t know how much longer our great nation can go without a president again!”

Hannity explained that since the Treaty of Appomattox was signed, officially ending the Civil War, his “favorite and most special country” was without a president for over 150 years. Only with Trump’s election did the country once more have a president, Hannity said, and it’s a “crime against humanity” that he was not reelected.

“The Confederate States of America deserve a leader. They deserve a president we can count on to make the south great again,” Hannity sobbed, “and now the so-called voters have led an obvious electoral coup against our Dear President, and I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with myself now.”

After taking a commercial break, Hannity came back and said he’d done some more thinking and had come up with a “tentative plan” for the next four years of a Joe Biden presidency.

“Welcome back to the Herr Sean Hannity Program,” Hannity said, “and I want to let you all know that over the break I figured it out. Joe Biden was Obama’s Vice President, which means I’ll be able to spend the next four years baselessly smearing Obama every day, every time Biden does something. I can just imagine how many times I’ll be able to shoehorn in Benghazi or the IRS targeting scandal! maybe things won’t be so bad after all!”

RELATED: DeVos Trying to Teach Trump How to Read and Write So He Can Write His Presidential Memoir

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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