PAWTUCKET, RHODE ISLAND — During a quarterly conference call with investors, Hasbro — the toy and game company that currently owns the rights to the “Monopoly” franchise — announced that a new version of its real estate acquisition board game will be released just in time for the holiday shopping season.
Trumpnopoly will “look and feel very similar” to the standard version Monopoly, but according to a Hasbro spokeswoman, it will feature key differences.
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“Many elements of the game will stay the same,” Susan Hinkley, Regional Vice-President of New Game Marketing for Hasbro told investors, “like getting a substantial starting bankroll. In fact, players will get a much larger amount than the usual $1500. About $14 million, and they’ll be given that loan not by the banker, but by their father.”
Unlike regular Monopoly, though, the goals are drastically different.
“What you’re going to want to do,” Hinkley said, “is winnow away your fortune on bad business deals. Put your name on literally product and building you can, even if, say, the steaks suck and the wine tastes like a warm, used douche. Essentially, players are encouraged to lose money out of their asses.”
However, Hinkley says there is another element to the game — tax avoidance.
“It’s not that we want you to lose all your money in this version of the game,” Ms. Hinkley said, “just an embarrassingly huge amount of money that lets you take advantage of a new element of game play which lets you pay absolutely zero income tax for about twenty years, or until you roll doubles three times in a row.”
Outside of the differences in the rules and goals of the game, the biggest change Hinkley says longtime fans of the game will notice is in the different avatars they can choose as their game pieces. She said that “great care” went into selecting mascots that were Trump-appropriate.
“The top hat is now a shitty toupee,” Hinkley said, “the thimble is now a Trump-sized condom — which was nice because we literally didn’t have to change the thimble mold at all. The wheelbarrow is now a shovel, already full of the smelliest bullshit imaginable, and the race car has been replaced with an old plantation plow, complete with slave laborer, since you know, he’s a racist asshole who would have no problem dragging us back to the days before the Civil War…like a lot of his supporters.
Hinkley said there is also one very important rule change that makes this version of Monopoly completely different from every other version.
“You don’t lose if you run out of money,” Hinkley said, “in fact, you win. Because this version allows you to file for bankruptcy and just restructure your debts in a way where you don’t ever really have to pay them and the costs are just passed along to the regular, not rich customers of the banks.”
Trumpnopoly is due to hit shelves on October 32nd. It will retail for roughly $1 billion dollars, but consumers can write off that amount over the course of two decades, as long as they can hire a tax attorney.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.