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Monday, June 5, 2023

House Republican Wants Congressional Inquiry Into Whether Hillary ‘Did a Benghazi’ On Trump Tower

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning a congressional Republican told reporters he planned to petition Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) to open a full congressional inquiry into the fire that broke out at Trump Tower this past weekend.

As he entered the rotunda to start the day’s legislative business, Rep. Tom Tompaulsen (R) was stopped by the press and asked to comment on the fire at Trump Tower. Thompaulsen, a loud supporter of the president’s, minced no words. Congressman Thompaulsen said his caucus “must act swiftly to make sure Hillary Clinton doesn’t destroy any evidence of her part” in the fire.

“Clearly this is another instance where we simply cannot let any stone go unturned, and we must to the bottom of this,” Thompaulsen said. “Wherever the facts lead us, as long as that’s where we want the facts to go, we must follow. Unless they start leading away from Crooked Hillary, in which case we must turn around and start looking in other places for facts that are more fair and feel more truth-ish to us.”

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Thompaulsen believes that the fire at Trump tower “has all of Crooked Hillary’s hallmarks,” and believes former Secretary of State Clinton either set the fire herself, or she “added Trump Tower to her long hit list.”

“Seth Rich, Vince Foster, and now Trump Tower,” Thompaulsen said. “The connection is there, for anyone to see it. And we have to find out as a congressional body if she did a Benghazi to Trump Tower. My guess is she not only did, but that she did it to cover up the Bowling Green Massacre carried out by the Jade Helm Squadron.”

Rep. Thompaulsen will call on Speaker Ryan to request an official inquiry today.

“We know one thing for certain — everything is Hillary Clinton’s fault,” Thompaulsen said. “So the sooner we figure out how this is her fault, the better.”

Thompaulsen concedes that he may just be guessing, and that other explanations for the fire are possible as well.

“Maybe it was Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s fire,” Thompaulsen said. “We all know his chemtrails didn’t convert enough of us into willing gay soldiers in his personal disarmament squads! Maybe Trump has evidence on Barack HUSSEIN and that’s why Barack HUSSEIN set fire to Trump’s building. We’ll never know for sure, but we should definitely spend a few million dollars creating conspiracy theories for our base to believe instead of factual things.”

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama did not comment on this story.

James‘ satire is also found on:
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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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