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Monday, June 5, 2023

Hillary to Trump Jr.: “Oh, You Already Testified Before Congress? I Can Benghazi How Difficult That Might Be.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rather unforeseen nexus of events, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton just happened to run into First Son Donald Trump Jr. at a D.C. area pie shop, and reportedly, the two exchanged brief, but terse words with one another.

Last night, news broke the Senate Intelligence Committee had issued a new subpoena to the president’s third smartest son in relation to contacts he had with Russia during the 2016 presidential election. Trump Jr. was at the center of one of the key incidents reported on by FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller, because he met with Russian attorneys at Trump Tower during the summer of that year. The president publicly admitted to helping his son draft a completely false and misleading letter about the meeting, claiming it was about American adoption law, when in reality the younger Trump would later admit that he took the meeting, which was also attended by Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and now jailed former campaign manager Paul Manafort, to get “dirt” that was offered to him on Ms. Clinton.

“Ah, Junior, funny running into you here at the pie shop,” Secretary Clinton was overheard telling Mr. Trump Jr., “Hey, thoughts and prayers little guy on that whole congressional testimony thing. But I think you’ll do just fine. You really only get in trouble if you lie to Congress, but you’re definitely smart enough to not do that. Oh wait, I kinda remember that being all over the Mueller Report. My bad.”

Donald Trump Jr. reportedly told Clinton he’d already testified before, and he didn’t think it was fair that he’d have to do it again. That line of defense has been trotted out by Trump loyalists all over social media. The moment word broke that the committee, which is led by a member of Trump’s own party, had issued the subpoena, tweets started being sent defending Trump Jr. on the grounds that he’d already testified before.

Congressman Gym Jordan took time away from his work inserting the president all the way down his throat, past his esophagus, and into his tummy to tweet support for Donald Trump Jr.

Senator Chuck Grassley even stopped literally fucking a dinosaur fossil he used to date back in his day and had supportive comments for the president’s son.

“Oh,” Secretary Clinton was heard telling Trump Jr. back at the pie shop, “Did you already testify before congress? I can Benghazi how difficult that might be.”

With sarcasm so thick it could be detected by the EPA administration just a few blocks away, Clinton continued to mock the man whose own father probably will call him “fake news” within a few days. 

“Yeah, I mean. Gosh, Don Jr. It must be really hard to have to talk about the same exact thing over and over again, no matter what investigations clear your name,” Clinton said. “Oh wait, sorry. I forgot that Mueller didn’t exonerate you, he just said you’re too dumb to prosecute.”

Before heading into the pie shop to eat her pie, Ms. Clinton gave the younger Trump some advice for testifying before a Senate committee for the second time.

“First, and I know this is going to be really hard for you Junior, so don’t give yourself too much grief if you can’t do it,” Clinton began, “but, try not to lie. At least, don’t lie so much. That’s it, really. Just, don’t lie to Congress under oath. You know, if you can help it.”

A stunned Donald Jr. watched Clinton turn on her heel and walk away. Then, she quickly turned back, startling him as she yelled.

“LOCK HIM UP!,” Clinton screamed, cackling. “Hey, wait right there, Junior, and I’ll bring you some humble pie.”

This is a developing story.

More: Trump: “Bob Mueller Shouldn’t Testify Because He’d Exonerate Me Way Too Much!”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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