THE CHENEY WING, HELL — Some on America’s left have routinely compared the policies of President Donald Trump to those of Adolf Hitler.
Namely, Trump’s critics cite his immigration policy which seems to put a heavy emphasis on curtailing, if not outright ending, immigration from countries where citizens speak Spanish or are Muslim. Many have said Trump’s rhetoric toward the press has been every bit as hostile, combative, and corrosive as Hitler was when he called the media in his country “lugenpresse,” or “the lying press.” Up until Thanksgiving weekend 2018 however, Hitler himself didn’t understand the comparison, however.
“I mean, sure, we both are insecure little bitch boys who took our feelings of inadequacy out on entire groups of people, and sure we both played upon irrational fears born out of ignorance, hatred, and genocide,” Hitler told us via AfterLyfe, a new app that allows people to contact the dead via their smartphone, “But it wasn’t until I saw that he was willing to gas mothers holding their children that I knew for sure we were two fascist peas in a pod!”
Hitler admitted that while Trump’s gassing was of the non-lethal variety, the fact that the president is defending the actions so vigorously shows Adolf that “Don could come along even further” to his way of thinking.
“Of course his kiddie gassing isn’t as bad as mine was, so I think I’m still the number one a-hole in that respect,” Hitler told us. “That being said, this man keeps proving that when he’s desperate for validation and support, he’ll do literally anything to rile up his base, and all you have to do is read the comment sections of right-wing social media outlets to see how giddy they are about gassing kids in general.”
Mr. Hitler said that general air of happiness over the incident shows that Trump supporters are likely to “go along with anything to own the libs.”
“In my day I convinced a country to go to war and start a Holocaust to fight commies,” Hitler said, “and now Trump’s trying to convince a country that everyone who criticizes him is a commie, and he’s gassing kids. Yeah…I really get the comparison now.”
The former leader of the Third Reich did stop short of completely embracing Trumpism, however.
“Look, I never had a daughter, but I’d never want to fuck her if I did,” Hitler said. “Even I won’t go that far. Though, I probably did want to fuck my mother, and I had a mangled cock, but there I go finding more similarities between Trump and me, huh?”