WASHINGTON DC — In an announcement made at the Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington earlier today, GOP Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel told reporters that the party is set to provide a boost to the local wheelchair production industry as they put in an order 291 of them — one for each Republican in the Senate or House, except for House speaker, Paul Ryan, who will instead use a wheelbarrow.
When asked by reporters why so many wheelchairs were needed, McDaniel explained, “What we are seeing more and more of in recent weeks and months is elected Republican members of Congress shooting themselves heavily in the foot over simple issues.”
“As I’m sure many of you have noticed, only a couple of weeks ago the Democrats made heavy gains in elections across the nation, this is a problem for the Republicans. Next year we have midterms which it is vital we win, but it’s clear that people are against Trump, which is a major problem, because since January, the GOP have repeatedly failed to control the President and taken an approach of shooting ourselves in the foot every time we defend him.
“We must also remember our repeated failures to disown President Trump during the election for the numerous times he committed sexual assault, which as it turns out, is coming back to haunt us now.
“The GOP greatly cares about all of it’s representatives, and for this reason, we feel it is only right that we provide them with an alternate means of getting around after they’ve taken so many wounds to the foot for the party.”
With the floor opened to questions, our political correspondent asked Mrs. McDaniel why the GOP doesn’t simply try to mend some of the wounds created, to which she replied, “Mend some of the wounds? We’ve come this far now, we might as well see just how low we can go — besides, with our healthcare plans, there’s no way for anyone to mend wounds.”
Explaining why the Speaker would be provided with a wheelbarrow rather than a wheelchair, Chairwomen McDaniel told reporters, “Wheelchairs are only really suitable for sitting in, which as we know, is difficult for Mr Ryan to do when he doesn’t have a spine — In fact, whenever he isn’t propped up by a stick, the Speaker is just a pile of waste on the floor.”