NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former Secretary of State, and winner of the 2016 presidential election if presidential elections were run like literally every other election in the country, Hillary Rodham Clinton, has reportedly offered her legal services President Donald J. Trump during any impeachment proceedings against him.
Mr. Trump seems to be virtually assured of wearing the unfortunate title of just “impeached president.” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced today that she had successfully undergone a spinal transfusion and the result of the surgery was that she finally felt confident to officially open impeachment investigations in several House committees into the president. Ms. Pelosi did not mention the Mueller Report or its contents, though many legal scholars have said it contains the virtual roadmap to impeachment, and instead she focused her comments and invective on Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president, and a national security whistleblower complaint that the White House has blocked from the public eye.
The administration has indicated it will be releasing a transcript of the call in which it’s believed Mr. Trump tried to pressure Ukraine into investigating former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. On an unrelated note, five thousand boxes of Sharpie markers have been delivered to the White House, attention “Mr. Prez.”
Only two other presidents in history have been impeached, and one — Richard Nixon — was forced to resign by the weight of the impeachment proceedings that were underway against him. Most scholars and historians believe Nixon would have been impeached had he not decided to resign in disgrace instead. Support for impeachment has swelled among House Democrats, who won back control of the lower chamber of Congress in last year’s historic mid-term election. No other president has suffered such a solid drubbing in the House during a mid-term, and now it seems the Democratic majority is poised to hang impeachment articles around his presidential legacy.
Speaking on a radio show today, Ms. Clinton said she decided to “extend an olive branch to the tubby wannabe dictator” and offer to be his lawyer in any impeachment trial. Clinton said that “anyone who has seen Rudy Giuliani’s half-drunk, half-cracked out blabberthons” on television recently would agree that she could do a better job than he could. Clinton did say, however, that Trump would have to get used to a lot less “ass kissing and nonstop dragging the conversation back to 9/11.”
“I called Donald today and I told him that he may want to start planning now,” Clinton told a radio station this morning. “Back in November, when his party lose control of Congress, the way he’s conducted himself and his administration, to say nothing of Special Counsel Mueller’s investigation’s findings and all the indictments, he could find himself being impeached, no doubt about it. Then the dude was brazen enough to try collusion again! I know it’s hard to imagine someone growing up in the lap of privilege, who had never been held accountable in his life for his multipel failures and lies and frauds before would pull some shady shit, but here we are. Face to face. A couple of Silver Spoons.”
Ms. Clinton said that she feels uniquely qualified to represent Trump in impeachment proceedings, because of her past work as both a lawyer, and a First Lady.
“Look, I’m a successful attorney, I worked on the Watergate team, and I was married to a guy who was impeached,” Clinton said. “I’m not saying that makes me the only one who should represent the president. I’m just saying I’m very qualified on a number of fronts.”
Clinton said she hoped Mr. Trump remembers they once didn’t have all the animosity between them. At one point, the Trump family and the Clintons were not enemies, the former First Lady said. When Trump was donating to both her husband’s and her own campaign coffers, there was no bad blood.
“We went to his wedding to Melania,” Clinton said. “And we’ll be there for his fourth wedding if he wants, as soon as Ivanka says yes. So it would be my honor to be his legal representation in his impeachment proceeding. That’s what friends are for, after all.”
Despite hearing chants of “Lock her up!” throughout the 2016 presidential election, chants that were lead by Trump and his supporters, Clinton says she would be able to provide Mr. Trump with “top notch, unbiased legal advice.”
“I mean, I’m not sure I could be the kind of lawyer he’s used to, because I’ve never used campaign funds to pay off a porn star and messed it up so badly that I was raided by the FBI or anything,” Clinton said. “But I’m sure I can provide Mr. Trump with top notch, unbiased legal advice.”
The best part for Mr. Trump might be that Clinton has said she’d be willing to do the work pro bono.
“Sure, I’d like to get paid. But I don’t need the money,” Clinton said. “Besides, we all know Donald has a problem paying his own bills, and I don’t accept rubles as payment.”
The White House has yet to respond to Ms. Clinton’s offer.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.