HOG MOUNTAIN, ARKANSAS — Former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders appeared on Fox News this morning. It was her first such appearance on Fox News since leaving the White House earlier this year. Ms. Huckabee’s spot on the conservative news network was hyped by none other than the most powerful man in the world on Twitter.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 6, 2019
During her tenure as press secretary, Huckabee Sanders held fewer and fewer actual press briefings. A handful of times, there were gaps of several weeks between briefings. Some chastised Ms. Sanders for taking a paycheck from the American people without actually performing all of her job duties. Many pointed out that the press secretary is supposed to work for the people, not the president, and their job is to inform American citizens on the issues of the day.
While Huckabee Sanders didn’t address any of the multitude of criticisms of her job performance, she did make a formal announcement about the title of her upcoming memoir.
“I just wanted to let everyone out in REAL America know that my book is coming out later this year,” Huckabee Sanders told the Fox News automatons this morning, “and even though the corrupt, enemy of the people, so-called press won’t report about it more than they have already, I think it’ll sell tons of copies.”
The book, Huckabee Sanders said, will be titled, “See You Next Tuesday.” She explained that the title comes from how President Trump would bid her farewell at the end of each work day.
“The president always made sure to drop whatever he was doing at the end of each work day and say it to me as I was leaving the office, even if it was on a Tuesday,” Huckabee Sanders explained. “I just thought it was so special that he’d have a unique goodbye for me. It felt like I really meant something to him, and not just as the one in the room he blamed all his farts on, like a dog my brothers would murder, know what I mean?”
Wiping tears away, Huckabee Sanders went on.
“It’s just…so wonderful working for a man who will see you leaving for the day and make sure to give you a special goodbye, one he doesn’t give to just anybody,” Huckabee Sanders divulged. “He’d just see me leaving and rush to the door of the Oval Office and go, ‘Oh oh! Sarah! Sarah! SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY, SARAH! SEE. YOU. NEXT. TUESDAY. He’d laugh and laugh and laugh. Sometimes he’d laugh so hard he farted, and then of course blame those farts on me. But honestly, none of us choose how the republic will call us to defend her, and if my cal to arms was letting the commander in chief blame his farts on me, then by golly that’s what I’m going to let him do!”
There were other titles considered for her book, the former press secretary announced.
“We were thinking of Untruth and No Consequences, and Oh The Places You’ll Go to Cover-Up The Corruption and Lies of a Kleptocratic Moron, but when I told my editors about the little goodbye game the president played with me,” Huckabee Sanders said, ‘they told me that was the title. They said to me the title would really resonate with lots of Americans. Even the ones who hate me and the president, which is weird because you’re legally not allowed to be an American who doesn’t like Trump or me, but hey, different strokes, know what I mean?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”