President Forbids White House Staff to Use Any “I-Words”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this year, a visibly agitated President Trump held a press conference in the Rose Garden after a meeting with Democrats Rep. Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Chuck Schumer blew up in a rather public way. Trump was reportedly angry that Speaker of the House Pelosi had said earlier that day that Trump was complicit in a “cover-up.” In the Rose Garden, Trump emphatically and angrily told reporters, “I don’t do cover-ups.”

Mr. Trump kept using the phrase “the I-word” during the Rose Garden presser. Many presumed he was speaking about the word “impeachment.” In the same relative time frame, former Republican Congressman Justin Amash became the first member of Trump’s own party to openly call for his impeachment. Rep. Amash left the GOP over his disagreement with their continual, unwavering support of the president.

This week, the subject of the “i-word,” impeachment, came front and center as Pelosi announced she was authorizing the House to begin formal impeachment proceedings. Trump may have dodged the impeachment bullet over the Mueller Report, but it would appear that his attempts to collude with another foreign government — Ukraine this time — may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Longtime Hill staffers note the historical significance of Pelosi, a Democrat, taking concrete action instead of wagging her finger and clucking her tongue.

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“It’s truly a watershed moment,” one aide told us. “No one thought we’d see any Democrats do anything except hem, haw, and complain publicly about Trump’s behavior. But seeing a real, true, vertebrate Democrat come out and announce the impeachment investigations were beginning certainly gives us hope there’s more out there in the wild.”

The president has been raging on Twitter ever since the impeachment investigations were announced. Trump has blasted Intelligence Committee Chair Rep. Adam Schiff as “Liddle’ Adam Schiff,” partly because of his tenuous grip on the English language, partially because publicly bullying his critics is something Mr. Trump has done literally since he had enough power and money to do so, going back as far as the 1970’s.

This morning, in the Oval Office, Trump said that there are several words that begin with the letter “I” that he has expressly forbidden his staff from saying, and not just “impeachment.”

“Why is everyone so shocked that I won’t use that word? I don’t use any words that start with “I,” really. Except my second favorite word in the whole world, ‘I,’ because it refers to my first favorite person in the world, me,” Trump said. “But I gave an order to my staff weeks ago banning I words. Fuck I words. They’re for cucks! I words, all of them, can rot in hell!”

Trump, breathing heavily and sweating, pulled a basket of chicken wings and a Big Mac out of the Resolute Desk. Pressing a button, a kitchen staff member was alerted to his need for a Diet Coke. Moments later, an aide appeared with a bucket of soda and a large hose from which Trump could suck it down.

“I banned them because it just seemed to me that most of the words that start with that letter are mean. Just mean, nasty words, and I frankly got a little tired of hearing all those I words used around me,” Trump said. “So I banned them all. Every single I word. Gone. Out of the White House dictionary.”

President Trump farted because he was speaking so emotionally and angrily. He blamed it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who used to just go and lay down on her bed, knowing the routine. She hadn’t farted, but she knew the wrath she’d incur if she pointed that out, and simply took her abuse like always, sources say. But now, Huckabee Sanders wasn’t anywhere to be found, and new Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham was too busy helping Stephen Miller polish his collection of vials of kidnapped brown border baby tears, and wasn’t in the office to get the fart blame. Trump pressed on, sad that his favorite flatulence scapegoat was no longer there to take the fall.

“That includes ‘incompetent,’ ‘idiot,’ ‘inconsiderate,’ ‘insane,’ ‘impeachment,’ and ‘incestuous,'” Trump explained. “All of the I words…gone. Out of my life, forever. Bye bye!”

When asked, President Trump says that there are some letters of the alphabet that he’s “absolutely never” going to ban if they start words words.

“I’m no fascist! There are plenty of letters that start words that I have no problem with,” Trump shouted at the press. “Like, words that start between the letters M and O, I’m way good with a lot of words that start with that letter. Well, okay, just one word in particular, but you get what I’m trying to say, right? I know David Duke does.”

Trump paused.

“WINK-WINK,” Trump yelled, verbalizing a facial gesture most people use without any accompanying words.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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