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Thursday, June 1, 2023

ICE Agent Enjoys Tour of Auschwitz a Little TOO Much

CAMISA MARRÓN, TEXAS — Recently, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Michael Sherman had the chance to take a vacation, and he chose to visit Europe with his wife and two kids, both of whom are currently in high school. Sherman told us in a Skype interview that stress and pressure has been mounting on him and the other ICE agents in President Trump’s gestapo since the administration instituted its “zero tolerance policy” at the border and began separating migrant families.

“You’d be surprised by how much jailing little babies can wipe you out,” Agent Sherman told us. “They’re small, but they’re tough, let me tell you. I can see why President Trump would want to take a hard-line stance with some of these kids. The other day, one of them had such a mean look in his eye while he chewed on his pacifier and cried for his mom in the corner of his cage. Such a mean look!”

Sherman’s vacation took him to Portugal, Spain, France, and Germany, and Poland. Agent Sherman said he decided to book he and his family a tour of the Nazi concentration camp in Auschwitz, because he didn’t know when they’d all be back there again and he is “fascinated” by history. He says he was “blown away,” however, by “just how much fun” he ended up having.

“Man, I gotta say, I felt right at home. I felt more comfortable there than sometimes I do in my own backyard,” Sherman said via Skype. “Like, I expected to feel some kind dark, foreboding atmosphere in there, but all I felt was a deep commitment to the rule of law and keeping a check on migration is all.”

Agent Sherman said the whole time he and his family toured Auschwitz, he had an “ear to ear grin.” In fact, some folks on the tour with the Sherman family became concerned about just how much fun they were seeming to have.

“I guess not a lot of people go there and play catch on the front lawn with their son,” Sherman said, “but when the hell was I going to get another chance to do that? Some of the other tourists got all offended though, the betacucks, and they complained to a supervisor. Can you believe this, we got kicked out because they said we were taking ‘too much delight’ in the suffering of others. Imagine caring about the suffering of others! Thank God that’s not a Christian thing or we Americans would have to be worried about that shit too!”

Other than being kicked out of the tour, Sherman says he still came away from it with an “overall very, very, very positive impression.”

“I felt such a rush of nationalist pride, I was tempted to put my MAGA hat on since I wasn’t on the clock! Though I almost felt like punching in for a shift, I’ll tell you what,” Agent Sherman divulged. “I was a little disappointed to find out they didn’t make their prisoners drink from the toilet though, and that seems like a wasted opportunity, to me.”

Sherman says he’ll “take a lot of good ideas back” to his supervisor after his tour, too.

“They showed us some stuff there that I’m just kicking myself for not thinking of first,” Sherman said. “It turns out it’s not just good cars that Germans design. It’s detention centers, as well.”

Another Story: Trump Nominated For The Nobel Prize In Bigotry

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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