WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a nearly hour-long, oftentimes rambling, mostly incoherent rant, a massive idiot and continually failed businessman stood in the White House rose garden and made a passionate, sweaty argument for why no one should vote for him this fall.
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Keen observers might have noticed that the tone and rhetoric of the speech was awfully familiar to the tone and rhetoric of the white collar criminal with the nuclear launch codes’ angry klanpaign rallies. Those rallies have been at least temporarily put on hold after an embarrassingly paltry turnout for one in Tulsa a couple weeks back. Coupled with a resurgence in COVID-19 cases in several states that the tangerine-tinted twatwaffle likes to hold his rallies in, and the so-called president had no choice, it would seem, than to bait-and-switch the media into covering what was, in fact, just a campaign rally.Promising a “press conference” about China and Hong Kong, President Mushroomdick McTinyhands, took to the podium yesterday and delivered a long-winded slew of smears, attacks, and angry invective against former Vice President Joe Biden. Experts are unsure if any of the things uttered and sputtered by the bloviating dickball in chief will have any positive impact on the country’s ongoing battle with COVID-19, which has claimed the lives of over 150,000 Americans thus far.
“Ordinarily, under any other circumstances, I’d say that the president just violated the Hatch Act and did a political function on the taxpayers’ dime,” Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) told reporters after seeing clips of the rose garden speech this morning. “I dare say if this man were a black Democrat, I’d personally do a citizen’s arrest on him for this kind of obnoxious disregard for civil norms and the law itself. But, well, he’s white. He’s Republican, and I’m a spineless, coal fucking cartoon villain, so I say, bring on the cray cray folks!”
The buzz on the Hill was that the aging buffoon in an ill-fitting suit meant to use the media’s attention to lift himself up, and as free political advertising. However, many pundits and even some politicians in the moron’s own political party think he may have only served the interests of Biden, who is running to unseat the tantrum-throwing senior citizen golf cheat in this November’s general election. At a time when the country faces a health crisis and an economic meltdown, many feel the blowhard’s presser might have actually backfired.
“If he had come out and delivered a concise presidential message, acknowledging the devastation of COVID-19, but also offering unity and hope,” Rep. Scott Thompson (R-OH) said in an interview on NBC News, “then I think he’d have done what he set out to do. But a rambling mess of lunacy and conspiracy theories is only going to make Joe Biden look competent and sane by comparison. I’m not sure this was the president’s most thoughtful move to date.”
There were a few people in the nation’s capital that didn’t see things quite so drastically, however. For instance, Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-Florida’s Bar Scene) believes that the display put on in the rose garden will “go down in the history books.” He also believes that when he drinks enough scotch he can run through a brick wall.
“Lisssssen. Lisssssssenn. Shhhhhhhhhhh. Listen, goddamnit,” Gaetz slurred, “first of off, have you all met my trophy adopted son Nestor who I hid from the public and the racist xenophobes in my party and only trotted out to score political points? Any-annnnny-anywhore, what was I saying? Oh, right, his speech was fuckin’ badass and any soyboy beta cucks who say otherwise gotta fight me!”
Sen. Ted Cruz told reporters that everything he saw “sounded just fine” to him.
“Granted, I mostly just saw the same view of his giant orange ass that I usually see,” Cruz explained, “but his anus and butt cheeks looked just great to me, so I don’t know what the big deal is.”
Current national polling shows Biden with a lead that’s grown week over week since the start of the pandemic.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.