UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The terrorist organization known as ISIS has released a new video in which they claim responsibility for what they’re calling the “most ingenious plan to kill thousands of Americans ever devised.”
“In all our wildest dreams, we couldn’t have ever imagined attacking America in such a way that could lead to literally untold thousands of Americans dying,” an ISIS spokesterrorist is seen telling the camera lens. “However, when we started seeing hundreds of people crowding onto beaches in the middle of global pandemic, we knew it was something we had planned and should take credit for, even if we couldn’t find the actual paperwork we filed with the International Terrorist Foundation, which you’re required to do for any nefarious plots, plans, or schemes you might be hatching.”
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ISIS, like so many terrorist groups, has a tendency of taking credit for anything that harms the U.S. national interest or kills Americans, even if they didn’t end up having a hand in planning or coordinating it. It’s unclear at this time whether ISIS had a hand in directing anyone in the United States to break COVID-19 quarantines and flood onto their local beaches. However, that did not stop ISIS from proudly claiming responsibility for it.
Further, ISIS even took responsibility for the Americans who have been showing up, many armed, at government buildings to demand their governors end the lockdowns. ISIS claims that “when it comes to doing things that kill thousands of Americans,” they see COVID-19’s ability to attach itself to asymptomatic carriers as a potential bioweapon, and they could never afford to hire as many agents of terror as there were protesters in Michigan recently.
“In fact, not only are we taking credit for the idiots on the beaches, we’re taking credit for the idiot quarantine protesters,” the spokesterrorist proclaimed, “particularly the armed ones. In fact, we’re here to take credit and responsibility for every numbnut, jack-ass, douchebag fuckface idiot in America who is currently disregarding the measured, sane, practical advice being handed out for free by trained medical professionals All of them are doing our work for us, and we’ve been working so hard lately we could use a break. After all, carrying a semi-automatic rifle and conducting bioterror attacks on government buildings is one of our true hallmarks.”
Perhaps surprisingly, Fox News host Laura Ingraham told her radio audience this morning that ISIS is “in the right on this one.” Ingraham said to her it “looks like someone injected some American freedom into ISIS’ veins” and that they understand “what true patriots act like.” In the Trump Era, Ingraham argued, “strange bed fellows aren’t strange when one of them is your daughter Ivanka anyway.”
“Maybe I never would have imagined before all this to be on the same side as ISIS on any issue,” Ingraham admitted. “But, well, fuck it. I gotta sell ads, and the way I sell ads is by cynically feeding what you want to hear, when you want to hear it, no matter who is saying it. So I have a feeling you’ll not care where this coming from, and instead focus on what’s being said — someone agrees with you patriots! So, stand with your brothers in freedom, ISIS, and storm that Chick-Fil-A!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.