“Holy shit! This is absolutely insane! I never would have thought there’d be this many people signing up with us,” the man working the ISIS sign-up booth at CPAC told us via Skype this morning, “but it’s been absolutely nuts from the moment they opened the doors.”
The spokesterrorist, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told us that he estimates nearly a thousand Americans, wearing MAGA hats and the traditional pro-America mullet hairstyle, have already signed up to join ISIS in its war with America. He said that he and his fellow ISIS members had decided to set up a sign-up booth at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — this year “mostly on a lark,” driven to the decision by the events of January 6th. Watching “thousands of angry, armed terrorists” storm the capitol that day made it a “no brainer” for ISIS to want to recruit those terrorists the first chance they got.
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“All we had to do is get on a bullhorn and tell people we were taking volunteers to storm the capitol again,” the ISIS employee told us, “and the next thing we know, we were flooded with people wanting to help us. When we told them that we too wanted to see America as it is today ended, they were climbing over themselves to get to our booth.”
ISIS and MAGA seem to have found a few places of common ground, our interview subject told us..
“Religious extremism, reducing women to sex slaves, and generally terrorizing people into our antiquated belief system,” the ISIS spokesterrorist explained, “they all bonded us. We all love god and guns! Once we realized we could ignore the flags we waved and focus on the things we love to hate instead, we found some real common ground.”
ISIS hopes the pace of sign-ups will remain brisk throughout the CPAC event this year.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.