WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump told his First Lady that while he wanted to wish her a happy birthday, she should be “very bigly careful” about getting any older. Today is Ivanka Trump’s 39th birthday, marking the start of the final year of thirties, which her father told reporters today is “the last time a woman is truly puss-grabbable.”
“I just wanted to take some time, right now, and wish my beautiful, truly smoking hot piece of ass daughter a happy birthday,” Trump told reporters as he boarded Air Force One this morning. “Ivanka, my darling, happy 39th birthday, Sweetie! But as you know, this means you’ve got one year left, so make it count, Vanky Baby! Make it count!”
According to the president, “once women turn 40,” he finds them “much, much less useful.” When asked what that means for his third wife, Melania, who is turned 50 years old this year, President Trump’s eyes widened enormously. He whispered something in aide’s ear, and when the aide whispered back, Trump was visibly unnerved.
“Well, quite frankly I did not know she had gotten so old on me already. Her shit’s so tight still, I just, you know, that really throws me for a loop,” Trump said. “Melanie’s 50 now? Well, we’ll address that in the second term, which I am entitled to, per Billy Barr. But in the meantime, let me just say it again — Ivanka is fucking hot as hell, and she has one whole, full year left before she turns into, well, something less hot, quite frankly.”
Trump picked his nose and wiped it on his press secretary, who dutifully bowed to him, thanking him for his “perfect gift.”
“It’s going to be sad, I guess, I when trade Vanky in. Especially if I trade her in after 40 years of lusting for her, but never quite landing her,” Trump said wistfully. “Still, it’s just a hard fact — women do not age well. Not as well as we men do. I mean, look at me. Look at how well I am aging! My neck vagina is still tight, too!”
When asked if he’d be considering swapping out his oldest daughter Ivanka, for his youngest daughter Tiffany, Trump didn’t seem very positive on the proposition.
“First of all, I don’t even know this Tiffany. Who’s Tiffany? Never heard of her,” Trump said, “and even if I had, it’s hard to imagine another one of my daughters being quite so hot as Ivanka. So I’m sorry to say, but no, I think once I trade Ivanka in, I’ll be looking outside my family for my new, hot, sexy as fuck daughter. Sorry to whoever this Tiffany broad is, though. Better luck next time!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.