WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ever since taking office, President Donald Trump has bucked trends and his administration has marched to the beat of a different drum, no matter the situation. Given that, rumors have been swirling about this year’s Halloween festivities will look and feel like. Yesterday, the president’s daughter Ivanka pulled back the curtain ever so slightly and gave the world a sneak-peak at what her Halloween costume look like this year.
“I’m going to go as Sexy First Lady,” Ivanka told reporters as she strode into her West Wing office, “and I’m super duper excited to show Daddy!”
Ivanka was announcing plans for the White House Halloween Party. The party will feature bobbing for apples, a hay ride, and new to the festivities this year, a “presidential pussy grab.” Ivanka wouldn’t reveal all the details of that event, but she did say that due to the “adult nature” of this year’s party, no one under the age of eighteen will be allowed into the party.
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“But also anyone over the age of 40, unless they’re President Daddy, will be allowed in either,” Ivanka said, “so unfortunately that means Third Mom will have to stay out and watch Last Brother.”
The White House’s special social event planning group drew inspiration for the party from someone that Ivanka called a “true blue American icon.” The late Hugh Hefner. Ms. Trump says that the White House Halloween Party this year will “magically transport” attendees to the Halcyon days of the Playboy Mansion and its legendary parties.
“Hef and President Daddy might not have been all that close,” Ivanka said, “but I know my dad always admired Hef’s ability to surround himself with gorgeous women. I can’t even imagine how many allegations of sexual misconduct we’d be facing in court if Daddy had been able to do what Hef did.”
Ms. Trump said that one reason she’s really looking forward to her costume this year is because of how easy it will be to assemble.
“I can just go into Third Mom’s closet and pick something out to wear,” Ivanka said excitedly, “so that takes care of the First Lady party, and Daddy knows I bring the sexy all by myself. So the fact that it should only take me a few minutes to get ready for the party is quite exciting!”
When told of his daughter’s costume idea, President Trump smiled from ear to ear, we’re told by several White House aides.
“That’s my girl,” Trump said, “That’s my sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet sexy girl. Mmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. God I love her. I love her SO HARD.”
Former Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders also announced that she would be returning to the White House for the party, and even said what her costume would be.
“I’m going as a soulless, dead-eyed, gravy smothered barn owl,” Sanders said. “Which is really nice, because I don’t have to dress up at all, really.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.