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Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Ivanka Defends Daddy: “He’s Always Gotten My Consent First”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, three of the almost twenty women who have publicly accused President Donald Trump of sexual misconduct before he was elected spoke at a press conference and asked for a congressional investigation into the multiple allegations against him. During the press conference, the three women gave very detailed accounts of their encounters with Mr. Trump, during three different periods of his life prior to entering public disservice.

Today, Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, who helped lead her fellow Senate Democrats in pushing for Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) to resign, took to Twitter and said she thinks Trump should resign over the allegations. However, she said she doesn’t believe he will “hold himself accountable,” and she is calling for a Congressional investigation instead.

Senator Gillibrand’s tweet, perhaps unsurprisingly, elicited a response from the Commander in Chief.

Senator Gillibrand wasted no time responding to the president. Her tweet as of publication has gotten far more likes and retweets than Trump’s attack on her garnered.

MORE: Kellyanne Conway Desperately Trying To Reach Michael Flynn Via The Microwave Network

Princess First Lady Ivanka Trump waded into the controversy on Twitter herself, just an hour or so after Gillibrand’s last tweet. In a series of tweets, Ms. Trump defended her father from allegations of impropriety.

“I have like, totally known Daddy for, like most of my life,” Ms. Trump tweeted, “Except for all the times he ran off to bang some model or another, leaving Mom and I alone with my special needs brothers.”

Despite the fact that almost twenty separate women have accused Mr. Trump of sexual assault and misconduct, there have been no calls from the right for him to retire, as there were for Franken. In Alabama today, a special election will be held for Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ former Senate seat, and Trump has endorsed Judge Roy Moore in that race. Moore is a Republican like Trump, but has been accused in the last few weeks by several women of preying on them sexually when he was in his twenties and thirties, and they girls as young as 14 years old.

“I can say as his daughter and First Lady that Daddy has always, always, always asked before he grabs. He always gets my consent first,” Ivanka tweeted.

“I mean, sure, it’s gross on some levels that I’m his daughter,” Ivanaka would later tell close confidants, “but I don’t want fake news out there about Daddy. Call him an incestuous, senile, racist tool of the oligarchy with dentures that won’t stay in, that’s fine. But don’t imply he forces himself on EVERYONE. Some of us play along willingly. Cuz money.”

More satire:

Trump Voter Wants Taco Bell Shut Down For ‘Being Too Mexican’

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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