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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Jacob Blake’s Back Feels Really Bad for Rand Paul’s Ego

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — Last night, the Republican Nationalist Convention wrapped-up in Washington, D.C. It was the first and only time a sitting president has used the grounds of the White House for a political event, seeming to flagrantly violate the Hatch Act, which prohibits using public lands and property for partisan politicking. At at time when the country has seemingly never been so divided along political party lines, it seemed and odd choice to some, who noted that Trump has tried to claim his is not divisive.

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Apparently, tensions were running high outside the White House, where the RNC’s final night of activities was being held, evidenced by hundreds of protesters. When the evening’s festivities had concluded, those in attendance were either shuttled back to their hotels, or some, like Senator Rand Paul (R-Trump’s Dong) decided to walk back to their hotel under police escort. Paul made major headlines last night when he tweeted that he “just got attacked by an angry mob of over 100.”

However, video of the incident quickly surfaced, and it doesn’t seem to show anyone attacking Senator Paul. Rather, it seems that a very angry throng of American citizens were loudly protesting Paul’s presence and demanding he push harder for justice for Breona Taylor, a woman murdered by police as she lay sleeping, and whose killers have yet to be arrested. In the only part of the video that shows any kind of physical contact with the senator, it appears he was knocked into by a police officer who had attempted to shove a protester out of the way with his bike, only to have the protester shove the police officer back.

You can watch video of the confrontation, below.

Regardless of whether one agrees with the senator’s description of what transpired on the streets between himself and the protesters, he was able to garner some sympathy from, perhaps, a surprising source — Jacob Blake’s back.

Mr. Blake’s back was recently the recipient of seven Second Amendment pebbles, shot into it by a police officer in Kenosha, Wisconsin last week. Mr. Blake is currently paralyzed, according to his family. He was unarmed at the time, though he had told officers there was a knife in the car, with his children in the backseat, that he was attempting to enter and leave before the officer fired on him. Shooting Blake become just the latest in a series of high-profile police use of force news stories that have helped increase the tension in the country to fever-pitch levels.

In a letter to Senator Paul, Jacob Blake’s back says it “feels really super duper bad” that the senator “had to hear mean words yelled at higher volumes than someone speaks in.”

“Senator Paul, I just wanted to let you know how badly I feel for you, and for your badly damaged ego,” Blake’s back writes. “Because I know what it feels like to be a victim. Sure, I took seven bullets, and you took cuss words shouted at you, but no doubt your ego was hurt probably more than I was. You are clearly an American hero, Senator Paul, for suffering though the horrible assault of words shouted at you at a high rate of profanity. How will you EVER recover, sir?”

Mr. Blake’s back questions whether “America can ever recover” from the “vicious use of mean words” that Senator Paul had to endure.

“Why, I bet all the brown-skinned babies in cages in Trump’s concentration border camps are just outraged at how you were treated, sir,” Blake’s back insisted. “I’m sure they’re just totally floored at how poorly you were treated by people exercising their First Amendment rights, sir. You are just like Jesus, really, for enduring the cuss words like you did. It’s like, there’s Jesus on a cross with nails in his wrists and feet, and here’s you over there getting yelled at…and it’s clear you’re the bigger victim.”

Blake’s back closed with a popular right-wing refrain.

“Thoughts and prayers for your speedy recovery from this vicious assault, Senator Paul,” Blake’s back wrote.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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