Jeff Sessions Says He’s Not Surprised ‘That Long Haired, Loony Liberal John Boehner’ Joined Marijuana Firm

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, it was announced that former Speaker of the House John Boehner would be joining the advisory board of Acreage Holdings.

For a former congressman to leave the public sector and enter the private one is nothing new, but what made this announcement so earth shattering is that Acreage Holdings is in the business of cultivating marijuana, and Boehner is a Republican, whose party largely fought decriminalization efforts for years. In fact, when Attorney General Jeff Sessions took his post, he signaled he’d be ratcheting up the pressure the Department of Justice puts on prosecutors to go after pot-related crime.

Speaking to a group of law enforcement officials at a conference in the nation’s capital this morning, Sessions ripped into Boehner, calling him a “race traitor” and a “long haired, loony liberal.”

“Now, let me just say it flat out — mary-huh-wanna is the Devil’s Lettuce, and every good, clean, moral, upstanding American knows to avoid it like the plague,” Sessions told the assembly of cops and sheriffs from across the country.

Mr. Sessions didn’t waste any time assailing his former fellow congressional Republican for taking a job with a marijuana firm.

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“Marijuana is so vile, so evil, so beyond the scope of what any American should put in their bodies, that I am just outraged by anyone willingly deciding to work within the so-called marijuana industry,” Sessions said. “And that goes triply so for former congressional Republican colleagues of mine. Everyone knows that part of our small government mantra is putting the government in charge of what you consume, ingest, or otherwise put in your body! It’s the same justification for anti-sodomy laws,” Sessions explained. “If we don’t give you permission, you don’t get to put in you. Because, you know, freedom.”

Sessions was visibly angry now.

“Now, just because I’m disappointed, that don’t necessarily mean I’m surprised. Take that long haired, loony liberal John Boehner,” Sessions said. “I always knew he was a secret reefer addict. He was just hiding his pot addiction with a very public drinking problem for all those years.”

Some in the crowd started scratching their heads.

“Sure, he may not look like a long-haired, hippy dippy, anti-freedom, commie pot smoker yet,” Sessions conceded. “But we all know what happens if you suck down just one herbal jazz cigarette. Your hair grows sixteen inches, you stop bathing, and you instantly love artists like Strawberry Alarm Clock!”

Sessions kept lighting into Boehner.

“Apparently John’s a big ol’ race traitor who has forgotten what white women are wont to do after just one slam hit off a pot cigar,” Sessions said. “So let me remind him — it involves courtin’ with colored folk! Next thing you know your daughter is dancing the jitterbug with a jazzer!”

Sessions paused yet again.

“And I have to call them jazzers cuz the left won’t let me call them the word that God intended me to use for them because it offends them,” Sessions said, making the universal “jack off” sign with his right hand. “I remember a time in this country when white people didn’t have to consider other people’s feelings, ‘specially if they weren’t huh-wyatt people.”

In the end, Sessions says he hopes to remind former Speaker Boehner about the “multitudinous and egregious dangers” of marijuana usage.

“Perhaps John Boy has forgotten that marijuana is not only a gateway drug to other drugs like crack cocaine — literally you can’t smoke pot without craving crack, and that is pure science,
Sessions said. “It’s a gateway drug to even worse things like socialism and finding two country music songs different sounding enough to warrant calling them two different songs!”

No representatives from Acreage Holdings nor Mr. Boehner commented on this story.

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