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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump Taps Dr. Jenny McCarthy for White House Special Counsel on Alternative Facts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced a new hiring today. Trump told reporters outside the White House that he was bringing on Dr. Jenny McCarthy, the highly-touted medical expert, model, and actress who came to prevalence in the 1990’s as his “Special Counsel on Alternative Facts.”

“I needed someone with experience in alternative facts,” Trump told the press, “and Dr. McCarthy’s work on autism and its obvious causes is truly groundbreaking stuff. Hardly anyone knows as much about peddling alternative facts as Dr. McCarthy does. Really proud to have her on the team, that’s for sure.”

Trump said that while McCarthy’s “clear and undeniable intellectual acumen” and “indisputable bonafides in the fields of science and medicine” were what initially made him consider her for the role, but after a private meeting with her, he was even more convinced.

“She’s extremely nice on the eyes, I’ll say that,” Trump said, “and we can’t have too many hot pieces of ass on this team. I mean, is she ever going to take my Ivanka’s place? Of course not. But she’s really a great catch both intellectually and aesthetically.”

Though Dr. McCarthy came into the public eye for other reasons, she has become known as one of the country’s foremost resources of solid, reliable alternative science, medicine, and facts. McCarthy has long insisted there was a connection between vaccinations and autism, and she proved that connection in 2010 definitively using alternative experiments that were alternatively peer-reviewed. McCarthy was drawn to the vaccination and autism topic because her son is on the autism spectrum.

“Dr. McCarthy will play a vital role in the Trump administration,” top Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway said, “and she’ll help direct our efforts in making sure all the alternative facts about vaccination and autism get to the public. We need people making alternatively informed decisions for themselves. Also, there’s totally a Loch Ness monster and farting cures cancer.”

President Trump signaled that more hiring may be done in the coming weeks. He said that he’s looking to fill a number of roles that “require an alternative view of the world” and that he’d make more announcements on those staffing decisions as they were made.

“It’s going to be a brand new, exciting era for all of us,” Trump told the press, “and it’ll be a time where everything you’ve learned you will unlearn and then learn again in a new, different, perhaps wrong, but most definitely different, or alternative way.”

Dr. McCarthy issued a short statement saying she was “totes stoked” on the opportunity to serve the country.

This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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