KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, the son of Larry “God” Schumway and VP of Sales and Marketing at Holy Trinity Inc., told heavenly reporters today that he’d “willingly and gladly” let rapper LilNasX grind on him and give Christ a lap dance in his next music video.
“You know, for a bunch of people who supposedly hate cancel culture, they sure do like to cancel a lot of things they’re personally offended by,” Christ told a reporter when asked about the controversy erupting over LilNasX’s new music video and a line of boutique shoes named for Satan and containing a drop of human blood on right-wing social media accounts. “They seem really, really heated up any time someone does something they don’t like. At least when people with melanin in them do it. They never seem to care when Ted Nugent tells someone to give his gun a blow job though. Weird.”
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Jesus reminded everyone on Earth that he is “too busy to and never will care” about political or cultural fights among humans. However, he does believe in doing everything he can to “keep and foster peace as much as possible.” To that end, he says if it “makes those gun toting guys happy,” he’ll volunteer to star in LilNasX’s next video.
“Maybe it could be like an olive branch to MAGA,” Christ suggested. “I mean, it’s just art, you know what I mean? It wasn’t even the real devil in that video. Lucy was on vacation in the Bible Belt when it was being shot. Seems like making a mountain out of a molehill to me, but what do I know, besides everything and stuff?”
Christ made sure to make it clear that even though he’s willing to star in LilNasX’s next video, he would prefer if he didn’t have to “resort to such stunts.”
“Another option would be for people who pretend to want to live like I did when I was down there actually, you know, living like I did,” Jesus said. “I mean, I focused mostly on helping the poor and the sick, and MAGA seems most interested in making a racist former reality-TV game show host and tax cheat feel better about losing a popularity contest.”
And Jesus shrugged.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.