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Monday, June 5, 2023

Jim Jordan: “We Wouldn’t Have to Ban Books if the Left Would Just Let Us Burn Them Again”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressdouche Jim Jordan (Q-OH) appeared on OANN this morning and defended efforts by conservatives at the state and local level to heavily restrict student access to certain books. In recent weeks, books such as “Maus,” a graphic novel written by a man whose family survived the Holocaust and is meant to teach children how to recognize the signs of authoritarian fascism when they see them, was barred in certain Texas schools.

Jordan, speaking to Jack “Rape Melania” Posobiec, placed the blame for the spate of book banning happening in red states on “the Left.”

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“Jack, they just won’t stop. Tell me, why come we were the bad guys for forcing Hillary Clinton to testify for more than twelve hours over an unproven conspiracy theory, but they’re the good guys for asking me how much I had to do with Trump’s coup attempt,” Jordan asked rhetorically.

“It’s cancel culture, Jack. Cancel culture is all they know how to do. Think about it, Jack. They even canceled burning books. You used to be able to burn any book you wanted to in this country, and then, all of a sudden, it’s literally illegal? Does that sound like America to you? Then, they start complaining when we just ban the books, since we’re not allowed to burn them anymore!”

An apoplectic Jordan brushed tears away from his eyes.

“We wouldn’t have to ban books if the Left would just let us burn them again. It’s that simple, Jack. It has to be that simple, because Republicans only understand simple things! It’s probably in the Bible,” Jordan said.

“Which, by the way, I’m sure Joe Biden will cancel and outlaw any day now. Sure, he’s a practicing Catholic, but when has that ever stopped any of us from implying that he’s a devil-worshiping Jesus hater? Joe Biden will definitely be canceling the Bible.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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