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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Jim Jordan Legally Changes Name To “Gym Paterno” To Avoid Scandal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There is no longer a congressman named Rep. Jim Jordan, who is from Ohio, and is under intense scrutiny for a growing scandal in which he’s accused of intentionally ignoring the sexual abuse of college aged wrestlers he was coaching at the time. That’s because Jim Jordan legally changed his name to Gym Paterno this week, and now Congressman Paterno says “everything will be borscht, piss whores, and conspiracy” from here on out.

“I went with Gym because I’m still a wrestler at heart, and Paterno, because JoePa  was one of the greatest college sports coaches of all time and had absolutely nothing tarnish his reputation, EVER,” Paterno said in a statement. “I hope that now that my name change has gone through, the silly FAKE NEWS MEDIA will get back to reporting on the stories that are real, and that matter. Like why the Deep State planned to take Donald Trump down by letting him win and ruin our country for a year and a half first.”

Paterno is accused of ignoring repeated complaints from the athletes he was coaching that they were being targeted sexually by a team physician. Though Paterno has repeatedly denied the allegations, there have been several former wrestlers that have come forward to corroborate the claims. Mr. Paterno has not let the scandal dampen his pitch to become the next Speaker of the House, however.

“Once that RINO Paul Ryan is out of the way, there will be room for leadership in the true Republican form,” Paterno said. “You know, like Denny Hastert, or Roy Moore if he’d ever be given the opportunity.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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