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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Joe Manchin (D?-WV) Named Senate Majority Resistance Leader

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It hasn’t happened in over two centuries, but the United States once more has a Senate Majority Resistance Leader. His name is Senator Joe Manchin, the alleged Democrat of West Virginia.

The last time there was such a man with that title was just after the turn of the 19th Century. Senator Dick Whistler of Rhode Island convinced enough Federalist Party Senators to elect him Senate Majority Resistance Leader, promising to do everything in his power to keep the Democratic-Republican Party’s agenda from advancing. But Dick Whistler himself was a Democratic-Republican. Back then, there was no 17th Amendment which meant that Senators were still chosen by their state legislatures, and Whistler knew there’d be no retribution from the voters, though the Democratic-Republicans who sent him to D.C. from the Rhode Island state legislature did remove Whistler the first chance they got.

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Today, Manchin became a modern day Dick Whistler.

“I pledge to take this position seriously, and to discharge my duties with honor and commitment,” Manchin said during his own speech, shortly after a vote was held. “I promise to help heal this country by continuing to coddle conservatives who are just simply afraid to hear the truth about how deeply unpopular most of their ideas are outside a shrinking set of Americans they consider the only ‘real Americans.'”

Manchin promised to put his own political career first, and the good of democracy “dead last if needs be.”

“I know that it’s more important for me to stay popular with the people who voted me in, despite being rich enough to not even need the paycheck I’m given for allegedly doing this job,” Manchin said. “So I also promise to never waver in my commitment to never let Mitch McConnell be held accountable for destroying the rule of law and Constitutional norms. No need to thank me, fellow Democrats. I can feel your gratitude from here.”

Manchin will begin meeting with members of the Republican caucus to strategize and plan for obstructing his fellow Democrats next week, according to aides with knowledge of the situation.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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