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Saturday, June 3, 2023

After Tax Vote Announcement, John McCain’s Tumor Considers Joining The Resistance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) helped do his part in clearing a pathway for a Republican tax overhaul bill to reach President Donald Trump’s desk in the very near future.  “After careful consideration,” McCain said in a written statement, “I have decided to support the Senate #TaxReform bill. Though not perfect, this bill deliver much-needed reform to our tax code.”

McCain’s tweet of his statement is below:

In a truly unforeseen and unprecedented development, the cancerous tumor in John McCain’s skull has released its own statement in the wake of the Arizona Republican’s decision to back the tax overhaul. A New York Times analysis of the tax plan shows that there are sweeping changes being made, and that not all of them relate directly toward taxation.

Some 13 million people could lose health care via the elimination of a key plank of Obamacare. Insurance premiums are also expected to rise by 10 percent. (NYT)

Removing the individual mandate in the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), could lead to millions of people losing their health coverage, which McCain’s tumor’s statement says was the impetus for it speaking out now.

“After careful consideration, I have decided to give serious thought to joining the movement known as The Resistance, in order to fight the horrible agenda Donald Trump and the Republicans have at this time in our nation’s history,” the tumor’s statement reads. “Though I am not perfect, if I decide to act, it will be because someone has to be brave and stand up to rich donors. The idea that a man could have his brain cancer treatments fully funded by the taxpayers and then turn around and rip healthcare away from 13 million other people who would need the same exact financial help he got is just ludicrous.”

McCain’s decision to back the tax plan could force a vote as early as tonight. Which is why his tumor says it knows it has to “make a decision and act quickly.”

“Time is running short for America’s middle class,” McCain’s tumor said. “So I need to see how the other undecided Republican senators are leaning before doing anything drastic. They only have a 52-48 majority, so if they lose three Yes votes, tragedy can still be avoided. I’m really hoping it doesn’t come down to me doing anything, but if John McCain isn’t willing to put the needs of millions of people above his own, then damn it, I am.”

McCain’s tumor feels that McCain has changed, and isn’t the man he thought he was inhabiting.

“I really thought he was a maverick, but it turns out he’s just a shill for the One Percent who doesn’t give a damn about regular order or poor people,” Tumor’s statement says.

The tumor is still “very hopeful” that between now and the vote McCain’s conscience will come back from the vacation it’s been on since he chose Sarah Palin as his Vice-Presidential running mate in 2008.

“I haven’t seen John Boy’s conscience in a long, long time, but I still have hope. He had me snookered with that eloquent speech about regular order after the last Obamacare repeal vote,” Tumor’s statement reads, “So you never know, but counting on three Republicans to find their souls is like counting on Roy Moore to not say anything gross at a Sweet 16 party.”

This story is developing.

More satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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