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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Jon Gruden Just Behind Trump in New 2024 GOP Poll

Racist and homophobic emails from nearly a decade ago have cost NFL head coach Jon Gruden his job with the Las Vegas Raiders, but a new poll of likely GOP voters shows they could help him land a different, more powerful gig.

According to a survey of voters who are registered Republicans and told screeners they will “very likely or definitely” vote in the 2024 presidential election, the man at the top is still not a surprise. However, Gruden placed just below the one term, twice permanently impeached president who just left office in January. The poll, conducted by Tiki Torch Weekly in association with Crosslighting Media, shows that while 51% of Republicans would support former President Don Trump, 46% would rather vote for Gruden. The poll’s margin of error was 3%.


“Well, I think what this poll shows is that racism and bigotry in general are still quite attractive policy planks for most MAGA voters,” political scientist Dr. Burt Thompson said on CNN this morning. “It also shows that even though Trump is most assuredly still the leader of this death cult, they are open to a change of bottoms at the top, as well.”

Thompson said the data shows MAGA voters “see much Trump in Gruden.”

“Both Gruden and Trump have inherited success from a black man, tried to claim credit for that man’s success, and ultimately wound up showing they’re, at best, mediocre and usually lose,” Thompson explained. “The homophobic and racist slurs are tangible symbols of MAGA ideology. All Gruden would have to do is marry a gold digging racist and say dumb stuff like, ‘Own the libs,’ and he could probably give Trump one hell of a run for his money.”

Trump, upon hearing the news, issued a written statement blasting the poll, and warning Gruden not to “cross” him.

“This poll is very obviously fake news, because everyone tells me that I am a you-nanny-muss choice for all MAGAs,” Trump’s statement asserts, “and I have special message for Johnny Football — don’t cross me, Johnny. I will not have to wait until 2024 to smite you. Michael von Pillowguy has told me that Sasquatch himself will swear me in before the clock strikes 14 on New Christmas Eve Morning! There will be hell to pay, Johnny Football. HELL. TO. PAY.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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