WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Joe Biden 2020 campaign has reportedly reached out to Axios reporter Jonathan Swan with a quite unusual and unprecedented offer.
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Last night, Axios released a sit-down interview that Swan did with President Donald Trump in recent days. Almost immediately, buzz began to grow around the interview. Swan got Trump to weigh-in on a host of subjects from the upcoming election, to the recently passed civil rights icon Congressman John Lewis, and America’s coronavirus death toll.
To say that Trump’s answers and pontifications were concerning might be an understatement for some. Trump talked about how Lewis didn’t attend his inauguration, and boasted about doing more for the African American community than any other modern president. Trump also summed up the fact that right now roughly 1,000 Americans die from COVID-19 each day as “it is what it is.”
In an extraordinary clip from Axios’ Jonathan Swan's interview with Donald Trump, the president rifled through a sheaf of graphs to claim that the US has lower numbers of coronavirus than other nations pic.twitter.com/ZJotY8obIs
— The Guardian (@guardian) August 4, 2020
“This morning, we asked Mr. Swan if he’d like to participate in the presidential debates this time around,” Biden associate spokesperson Jules Lee told reporters. “We realized after watching the debate that the person best suited to expose what an unfit fuckmuppet the president is happens to be the president himself, and Mr. Swan has shown he’s really good at letting the president do just that.”
Mr. Lee indicated that the decision to offer Swan a spot on the debate stage was “a quick and easy one to make.”
“We’re not sure that the president will agree to this, of course,” Lee said, “but it became pretty obvious to us within about ten minutes of watching the interview that Mr. Swan would be quite valuable to have on that stage. All he’d have to do is ask Trump a single question, and Trump would do all the damage himself.”
The Trump campaign apparently has already gotten word of the Biden campaign’s communication with Swan.
“No! FUCK NO! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO DEBATE! HELL, I DIDN’T EVEN REALLY WANNA BE PRESIDENT BUT BANNON TOLD ME I’D BE RICH AND POWERFUL AND COULD FUCK MY DAUGHTER IF I WANTED TO FINALLY,” Trump was heard shouting in the Oval Office, though he’d leave the official statement to his press secretary. “I SHOULD JUST QUIT BECAUSE THIS JOB IS HARDER THAN ANY OTHER JOB I’VE NEVER HAD TO ACTUALLY DO!”
A few minutes after the tirade was heard, Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick strode out to the podium in the White House briefing room.
“Before I get started, I just wanted to highlight my middle finger, and show you my cinnamon hole because the media are a bunch of buttholes so you should see my butthole,” McDitzy dick announced, showing everyone her middle finger and bending over, pulling down her pants, and showing all the reporters her rectum. “You can lick it, right where the poop comes out, okay? Fuck all of you guys. You’re a bunch of pieces of shit. Oh, and I guess, like, um, the president doesn’t want to debate Jonathan Swan or whatever, so eat a dick.”
Mr. Swan has yet to respond to the offer from the Biden camp.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.