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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Justin Trudeau Shocks World; Apologizes For Mass Canadian Ambien Usage In 1812

FRENCH TOWN, CANADA LAND — When President Donald Trump asked Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau during a phone call between the two heads of state if Canada burned down the White House during the War of 1812, many thought it was yet another gaffe from a man who was the least politically qualified man to hold the office, but was it?

“We would like to take the time right now to apologize to the American people and specifically President Donald Trump,” Trudeau told reporters from the Canadian capital as he left for the G-7 Summit. “What can I say? 1812 was a rough time for us. We weren’t even a real country yet. So you can imagine, there were a ton of sleepless nights for us back then.”

Trudeau said that Trump didn’t make an embarrassing blunder about history, but instead “unwittingly uncovered one of Canada’s darkest secrets.”

“The government of Canada, even though again, it didn’t technically exist back then, wanted to help our citizens sleep. We started slipping Ambien into our water supply,” Trudeau explained.
“Before you say it, sure, Ambien didn’t exist back then, but we’re already telling a tale about a country that didn’t exist, so here we are anyway, yeah?”

The non-existent Canadian government didn’t know it at the time, but their solution for their populace’s insomnia ultimately had calamitous results.

RELATED: Historians Uncover Robert E. Lee’s Ambien Prescription


“Of course, now we know that Ambien has all kinds of side effects,” Trudeau said. “Dizziness, rash, swelling, racist tweets, and well, another that we’ve kept secret up until now, in order to maintain the peace and alliance of friendship between our two countries.”

Sighing deeply, Prime Minister Trudeau continued.

“One of the other side effects of the drug is joining wars and setting fires to buildings,” Trudeau admitted. “We hid it from historians and scholars all this time because we felt really, really sorry guys. Like, just about the biggest hosers you can imagine, eh? So, again, we’re really very sorry.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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