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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Tendinitis Lahren Starting Her Own Shoe Company

CHICA RUBIA CHINGADERA, CALIFORNIA — When Nike announced that, after being advised by former NFL starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick that white nationalist groups had begun embracing the Besty Ross flag, they were canceling a line of sneakers with the flag on them, anger broke out all over conservative media. 

Perhaps no one was as upset as Fox News contributing white supremacist Tinderbox Lahren, and this morning she announced her plans to start her own footwear company, hopefully to rival Nike, and she has stated emphatically that Mr. Kaepernick will never be its spokesperson.

“Okay, like, listen up libtards and real Americans, because I have, like, a totally rad announcement to make,” Lahren said on Fox & Friends this morning. “I have teamed up with Chucky Kirk at Turning Point USA, and the Trump Organization, and we’re starting NiKKKe Shoes next year fam!”

Lahren announced that while her new shoe company will never use Kaepernick to endorse their product, they will still use his image in ads.

“Nothing fires up our potential customer base like seeing uppity urbans kneel. Except when they also start getting all persnickety about what’s racist and why come it is,” Tistheseason said, “so we’ll definitely be using that imagery in our ads.”

Not only will NiKKKe feature the Betsy Ross flag on a shoe, Trombonespitvalve says that another line will feature an “alternative American flag” that their customer base should enjoy.

“We’ll put the ol’ Stars and Bars on there, because the Confederate Flag is all about heritage and free speech and not the racists we need to win elections by lying to the other half our political party about how our opponents are the real racists because they flew the Confederate Flag to intimidate black people,” Lahren said in one incredibly long breath.

Another Story: Local MAGA Supporter In Hospital With Burns On Feet After Nike Protest Goes Awry

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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