After Kapernick Nike Flap, Tendinitis Lahren Starting Own Shoe Company

CHICA RUBIA CHINGADERA, CALIFORNIA — When Nike announced last week that embattled former starting NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick as the face of their newest “Just Do It” ad campaign, anger and upset broke out all over the conservative media landscape. 

Perhaps no one was as upset as Fox News contributing white supremacist Tinderbox Lahren, and this morning she announced her plans to start her own footwear company, hopefully to rival Nike, and she has stated emphatically that Mr. Kaepernick will never be its spokesperson.

“Okay, like, listen up libtards and real Americans, because I have, like, a totally rad announcement to make,” Lahren said on Fox & Friends this morning. “I have teamed up with Chucky Kirk at Turning Point USA, and the Trump Organization, and we’re starting NiKKKe Shoes next year fam!”

Lahren announced that while her new shoe company will never use Kaepernick to endorse their product, they will still use his image in ads.

“Nothing fires up our potential customer base like seeing uppity urbans kneel, so we’ll definitely be using that imagery in our ads,” Lahren said. “But then we’ll fade out from that to video footage of giant, burning wooden, lowercase T’s. You know, for Trump!”

If Kaepernick is out of the running for the gig, just who will be the face of NiKKKe Shoes? Tributary has some ideas.

“Well, we could go with Curt Schilling, or maybe Ty Cobb,” Lahren said. “We’ll try to find a good, clean, conservative, ammo hoarding American athlete to be the face of NiKKKe Shoes. Does anyone know if Dylan Roof is playing prison basketball?”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

More from James Schlarmann

Trump Charity Accused of Stealing Donations Meant for Kids With Windmill Cancer

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Trump Pediatric Windmill Cancer Foundation has...
Read More