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Sunday, February 5, 2023

Karen Surrenders Control of Her Vagina and Joins Women for Trump

VALLE MUJERES AUTODESTRUCTIVAS, CALIFORNIA — When President Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara launched “Women for Trump,” many might have laughed and thought it a wasted effort. Though white women as a bloc certainly helped propel him to victory in 2016, the exit polling data from the 2018 midterm elections showed that he lost quite a considerable amount of ground among that particular group. Many on the Hill have speculated that’s why Women for Trump was formed, in order to shore up as much of his dwindling base has he can.

Karen McBares is a 45 year old longtime resident of one of Orange County’s most exclusive and wealthy neighborhoods. McBares voted for Trump in 2016, and she joined Women for Trump this past weekend so she could throw her support behind the alleged billionaire’s re-election bid. Before she could join Women for Trump, however, Karen tells us she had to sign a legal document giving some new legal rights to the Trump administration in general, and to Vice President High Priest Mike Pence specifically.

“When I went down to the local Women for Trump recruitment office, they said it’s a very simple process to be accepted into the cult — I mean — group,” Karen told us. “All I had to do was sign a document signing legal authority over my vagina to Vice President Pence! And since, as a woman, I know that life is too complicated and messy to not have a man’s help, even with decisions about and involving my genitals, it was such a relief signing that paper and knowing I’d never have to think about my own uterus again.”

McBares says she considers herself “extremely pro-Life,” though she also admits that last summer she paid for her daughter Hailey to have an abortion.

“Why should my daughter pay for a mistake for the rest of her life like some common urban teenager,” Karen asked us incredulously. “So yes, I made a one-time decision with Bailey just like I made a couple of one-time decisions for myself in college — but this was before I found God and Jesus and my husband Mark’s inheritance from a religiously conservative family! I feel much differently than I did before.”

Karen believes is more women would just “open themselves up to Trump,” there would be a lot less tension, animosity, and anger in the country.

“I take my cues from Ivanka, his gorgeous and classy First Lady,” McBares told us. “If she can remain open to her dad all these years, then of course average American women can as well.”

Mrs. McBares says she doesn’t believe she’ll miss control of her vagina all that much.

“I’m just about past my child bearing years anyhow,” Karen told us. “What do I care? And quite frankly, if my country needs me to be a birthing cow, well, then I’m all for it as long as a Republican is doing the asking. I kinda like the dresses in Handmaid’s Tale, to be honest. Red’s my favorite color and I like to dress more traditionally from time to time.”

Another Story: Trump Threatens To Send Statue Of Liberty Back Where She Came From

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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