Keurig Announces Roy Moore Signature Model That Only Uses 14-Year Old Covfefe Pods

READING, MASSACHUSETTS — In 2017, coffee machine manufacturer Keurig faced steep and heavy backlash from irate conservatives, who were video recording themselves smashing or otherwise destroying Keurig coffee makers after the company decided to pull advertising from Sean Hannity’s show on Fox News. The decision was made after Hannity continued to defend Judge Roy Moore against allegations that he was a sexual predator who targeted pubescent, underage girls in Alabama when he was in his twenties and thirties.

Today, Keurig announced a deal that they think will help recapture some of the market share they never quite recovered, and it just so happens to coincide with Mr. Moore’s decision to run for the same Alabama Senate seat once more. 

“We at Keurig are pleased to announce that very soon consumers will be able to purchase the Roy Moore Signature Konservative Koffee Keurig,” Helen Winterbottom, Keurig’s deputy chief assistant media liaison told investors this morning on a conference call.

The Roy Moore KKK coffee maker would have several “unique and fun” features that Keurig is hoping will entice conservatives back into their fold.

“The Roy Moore KKK will only operate with specially-designed, 14-year old coffee pods,” Winterbottom told investors, “or you can use our newer, fresher, covfefe pods.”

The machine will also have the following features, according to Keurig’s press release.

  • When your coffee or covfefe is ready, the Roy Moore KKK will whistle “Dixie” at you.
  • The Roy Moore KKK uses a revolutionary new white power supply
  • Roy Moore KKKs are manufactured in America…’s favorite Russian factories
  • Roy Moore KKKs are all built to the public safety standards of the 1940’s.
  • Roy Moore KKKs come in two color varieties: White, and Super White

“Ultimately, we’re not going to apologize for pulling advertising from a show that features a guy giving cover to a sexual predator,” Winterbottom said, “because no company wants to be associated with people who want to prey on minors. But we are a corporation that likes revenues and profits. So pandering to the demographic that somehow thinks they need to defend hebephiles works for us, and we hope it works for people boycotting us.”

The Roy Moore KKK is set to hit retail shelves next year at a cost of $18.61, since that’s a special year for the target consumer demographic.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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