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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Lahren: NASA Should Rename Black Holes Because ‘All Holes Matter’

VAPID VALLEY, TEXAS — Conservative right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributor Tributary Lahren told a radio host today that she was about to file an official request with the White House, demanding that President Trump issue an “Imperial Presidential Decree” to NASA, directing them to rename black holes as “It’s Okay To Be White Holes.”

Speaking to WHYT’s Skip Westerfield on the Skip To The Right Show, Lahren said she was “sick and tired of uppity urbans disrespecting everything white.” She said it’s “completely unfair that left-wing, snowcuck so-called scientists” named black holes without first consulting with white, working class voters.

“What are the science nerds saying, that only black holes matter? Because all holes matter, Skip. Besides, we all know that black holes are no different than the KKK,” Tammy said at one point. “Just another libtard conspiracy, I guess, and another sad example of America’s left crapping all over the people whose parents’ parents’ parents made this country great…or you know, greater than it is now, or whatever.”

Lastcallforalcohol continued, “Can you imagine the snowflake poutrage if we tried to name them white holes instead? Why do the urbans get to have space named after them? They already got to color space the same as them. Isn’t that good enough? Also, how does science actually work?”

Ms. Lumpia said that she got the idea to rename black holes while in the shower one morning.

“I was taking a shower, cleaning out the hole where shit comes out of me,” Timmy said, “and I realized that my mouth is kind of what someone might call a white hole. And that got me thinking, like, OH MY GOD, why come scientists no call them white holes? It’s okay to be a white hole!”

And so, Tuberculosis says she went onto the White House’s website, but couldn’t find a way to reach President Trump directly.

“So I posed as a 14 year old girl, got Roy Moore’s attention, and had him flag down Trump,” Laryngitis told the radio host.

While she admits that she doesn’t hold any advanced scientific degrees, she still has unique qualifications that should give Americans confidence in Ms. Lululemon’s ability to discuss this specific topic.

“Who else is more of an expert on massive, gaping white holes than me,” Lahren asked rhetorically.

The White House has not yet responded to Travesty Lowbrow’s request.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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