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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Lahren: “Mermaids Are White, Just Like Santa and Jesus!”

LA CULERA RUBIA ARRUGADA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributing racist muppet Timothy Lahren railed against Disney’s decision to cast a female of color in the central role of the upcoming live-action remake of 1989’s animated classic, “The Little Mermaid,” today. 

Speaking on a conservative talk radio show, Ms. Limpbiskit told the show’s host she thinks the casting of actress Halle Bailey was Disney “giving over to the angry left-wing mob of tolerance and representation.” She went on to say that “changing the skin tone of established characters” is like “spitting in all our beautiful white faces.” Thrombosis said that American conservatives should consider boycotting the new film when it comes out to “stand up for traditional skin colors and the heritage of white mermaids.”

“This is just a crock of liberal, hippy-dippy, uber-PC, social Marxism bullcrap, and everyone knows it,” LastCallForAlcohol said emphatically. “Because anyone who’s educated even the slightest in mermology knows that merpeople are all white. Because they’re made in God’s image but crossed with a fish. And um, sorry libs, God’s white, and we know he’s white because his son, Jesus, was white too!”

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Disney is “blackwashing mermaids just like liberals tried to blackwash Jesus” according to Ms. LolipopGuild.

“Everyone knows mermaids are white, just like Santa and Jesus,” Tillamook said, “and all the blackwashing and fictional white character genocide in the world can’t cover-up the truth! They might have the fact-based truth, but we have the truth that’s in our hearts. The same heart in our chests that tells us Donald Trump is a super-successful, very rich, completely legitimately elected, popular president who has accomplished more than Barack Obama could in eight whole years is telling us that there is just no way in flipping hell that Ariel should be black.”

Lompoc reminded the radio show’s audience of another conservative controversy over whether Santa Claus can or should be black.

“Black Santa! Remember that? These liberals don’t know how to stop stooping to new lows,” Tabasco said. “No wonder these idiots believe in climate change! They think Santa Claus could be black somehow! Imagine that, not believing that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but believing Santa could be black! And they wonder why we make sure to cheat to win elections! We have to keep these loony morons out of office! Before they convince the fine people in red states that carbon dioxide is bad for the environment!”

Ms. Listeria gave listeners a list of other people that she will “never let the libtards blackwash.”

“Some people might think I’m unaware of how racist I am, or whatever, but I will not sit idly by while liberals blackwash everyone from Marty McFly to Luke Skywalker to James Bond,” Lamplight said. “That’s just not how I roll, fam! What’s next, them stealing jazz, rock and roll, hip hop, and marijuana back from us? I don’t think so!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is an absolute cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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