64.1 F
Los Angeles
Monday, June 5, 2023

T-Bone Lahren Wants President of Carolinas To Forbid Sale Of Panthers To P-Diddy

SIN CEREBRO, TEXAS — Timpani Lahren, the feisty blonde conservative commentator and Fox News screeching racist magpie, went on a verbal rampage during a radio interview today, assailing Sean “P-Diddy” Combs, Colin Kaepernick, the NFL, Barack Obama, and Black Lives Matter. The issue that made Lahren particularly upset this morning was the report that Combs is seriously considering making a bid to purchase the Carolina Panthers football team and install Colin Kaepernick as its quarterback.

During an interview with WKKK’s Joe Josephson, Lahren made it clear what she thinks of the possibility of this plan coming to fruition.

“Umm, excuse me, but what the friggin’ frig, Joe? This is America, and we don’t reward unpatriotic, uppity URBANS for their crappy behavior,” Lahren told Josephson. “Ordinarily, as a professed conservative I would be outraged about telling a private corporation what they can or can’t do, but like any good modern Republican, I know my values are as fungible as secret payments from Russian oligarchs to orange-skinned man babies.”

Ms. Lumpia told Josephson that she doesn’t think Combs will be able to purchase the Panthers, but she said that elected officials must be willing to take action “if it starts to look like things are heading that way.”


? Disney Needed Russian Imagineers To Finish Installing Donald Trump Animatron In Hall of Presidents

“I’m just saying that maybe the President of the Carolinas will need to step in here, Joe,” Listeria told the radio host. “Maybe he and President Trump can come up with a game plan to stop this egregious assault on freedom from happening. Someone has to be willing to step up and do what’s right for the country, even, no ESPECIALLY, when that means telling a rich man he can’t buy something he wants and do something with the company he buys that he wants to do.”

Tabasco said that she can see where some might think she’s not acting the way true conservatives believe, in wanting the government to intercede in the free market. She also acknowledged that it’s “out of character” for a Republican to not fawn over and “verbally fellate” a rich man, but she gave her reasoning for that being the case.

“Sure, normally we worship rich men like the Bible tells us not to,” Lollipopguild told Josephson. “But look at P-Diddy! You can just tell by looking at him — WINK WINK! — that he’s different from traditional rich people.”

The President of the Carolinas could not be reached for comment.

You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More satire:


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories