SIN CEREBRO, TEXAS — Timpani Lahren, the feisty blonde conservative commentator and Fox News screeching racist magpie, went on a verbal rampage during a radio interview today, assailing Sean “P-Diddy” Combs, Colin Kaepernick, the NFL, Barack Obama, and Black Lives Matter. The issue that made Lahren particularly upset this morning was the report that Combs is seriously considering making a bid to purchase the Carolina Panthers football team and install Colin Kaepernick as its quarterback.
During an interview with WKKK’s Joe Josephson, Lahren made it clear what she thinks of the possibility of this plan coming to fruition.
“Umm, excuse me, but what the friggin’ frig, Joe? This is America, and we don’t reward unpatriotic, uppity URBANS for their crappy behavior,” Lahren told Josephson. “Ordinarily, as a professed conservative I would be outraged about telling a private corporation what they can or can’t do, but like any good modern Republican, I know my values are as fungible as secret payments from Russian oligarchs to orange-skinned man babies.”
Ms. Lumpia told Josephson that she doesn’t think Combs will be able to purchase the Panthers, but she said that elected officials must be willing to take action “if it starts to look like things are heading that way.”
“I’m just saying that maybe the President of the Carolinas will need to step in here, Joe,” Listeria told the radio host. “Maybe he and President Trump can come up with a game plan to stop this egregious assault on freedom from happening. Someone has to be willing to step up and do what’s right for the country, even, no ESPECIALLY, when that means telling a rich man he can’t buy something he wants and do something with the company he buys that he wants to do.”
Tabasco said that she can see where some might think she’s not acting the way true conservatives believe, in wanting the government to intercede in the free market. She also acknowledged that it’s “out of character” for a Republican to not fawn over and “verbally fellate” a rich man, but she gave her reasoning for that being the case.
“Sure, normally we worship rich men like the Bible tells us not to,” Lollipopguild told Josephson. “But look at P-Diddy! You can just tell by looking at him — WINK WINK! — that he’s different from traditional rich people.”
The President of the Carolinas could not be reached for comment.