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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Lahren: “Non-White Portrayals of Baby Jesus Put You on Santa’s Naughty List”

With just days before Christmas, Fox News contributing racist Tabula Lahren told viewers on Friday afternoon that she believes any time someone portrays Jesus Christ as a non-white person, they risk putting themselves permanently on Santa Claus’s naughty list.

Conservative evangelical Christians believe that Christmas of course is the celebration of the birth of the Christ child. It is one of the two most important holidays of the Christian faith. All across America, church congregations gather to put on Christmas plays that depict the birth of Christ, in a manger in a barn, after Jesus’ mother and step-dad are unable to secure lodging anywhere else.

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“Quite frankly, I take the side of the innkeepers that kept turning Mary and Joseph away,” Tuberculosis told viewers, “because it’s the patriotic and cautious thing to do, to not let desperate, brown-skinned people in from the cold. Quite frankly, it’s one of the reasons I think Trump’s concentration camps on the border are prolly the most Christian thing this country has ever done.”

Mentioning Mary and Joseph’s skin tone triggered something in Tilapia’s brain, however. She said that just because Mary and Joseph were brown-skinned foreigners, that didn’t mean Jesus himself had a darker complexion. She argued that the traditional artists’ renderings of Jesus, that show him with very fair skin, and straight hair, are “much more correcter” than any attempts to portray Jesus more like his geographical origins would seem to indicate he’d look like.

“Jesus was white, okay? Get over it, libs! Why can’t you just let it go,” Tributary asked the audience rhetorically. “We might not have any photographs of him, but Jesus was born in the middle east over 2000 years ago to a mother who almost assuredly would have had darker skin. That makes it painfully obvious to me — he’d very likely have long, flowing, straight sandy-blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a 401(k) that’s highly diversified. White. As. Hell.”

Tillamook told Fox News host Tucker Carlson that she’s “sick to death” of liberals mocking conservative Christians for how they present Jesus Christ in the media. Lahren called it “history revision” to change Jesus’ skin color to something darker, and said she’s “not at all surprised by the hypocrisy.”

“Think about it,” Lahren said. “They tell us that blackface is so bad, right? But here they are trying to put sweet Baby Jesus in blackface? Hypocrites. Total and complete hypocrites. It’s bad enough that this kind of thing puts them at risk of going straight to Hell — it’s in the Bible, snowflakes, look it up! But if that doesn’t scare them into leaving our dear, sweet, cream faced Baby Jesus alone, then maybe something else will.”

Timpani’s voice started to slow down, as did her rate of speech. Putting a nearby hair dryer up to left ear, she turned it on, and as the hot air blew into her head, she was able to regroup and continue speaking.

“This is a well-known fact, so I don’t know how all the libtards out there missed it but,” Lahren explained, “non-white portrayals of Baby Jesus put you on Santa’s naughty list. Permanently. That part isn’t in the main part of the Bible, but every New King Trumpian Version Bible has it right there in the appendix. Apparently it was a new commandment that Jesus wanted to add to the first ten, or whatever, but ran out of time before he had to go and zombify himself.”

Reached for comment, Santa Claus flatly denied what Ms. Lahren told Fox News viewers.

“Umm. No. That bitch is crazy. I mean, cuh-ray-zee,” Santa told reporters as he was making some adjustments to the reins on his sled. “I don’t even have a permanent naughty list. That’s messed up. Unlike the Religious Right in America, I actually believe in the Christian notion of grace, forgiveness, and second chances. But if anyone knows about being on the naughty list a lot, it’s Nazi Barbie, so boys and girls out there could absolutely use her as an example…of how not to behave if you don’t want to end up on the naughty list.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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