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Saturday, April 1, 2023

Elder Blasts California Election Commission for ‘Brazenly Counting Votes’ Against Recall

MORONBERG, CALIFORNIA — When it was all said and done, and after tens of millions of dollars were spent on his behalf, far-right talk show host Larry Elder would not be the next Governor of California. This, despite conservative figures like Mike Lindell, freshman congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene, and

Less than hour after polls closed, the Associated Press announced that Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA) would easily survive the attempt to recall him. By an enormous margin, California voters rejected the recall, by a nearly 2-to-1 margin. Elder, speaking to his radio show audience today, claimed that margin was “mean, nasty, and probably illegal.”


“Now, we all know that Democrats cheat, okay? They cheat. And as soon as we have manufactured evidence that people outside the conservative feedback loop will believe, I’ll prove they cheated me out of becoming the next governor,” Elder assured his supporters. “However, one thing I know already — Newsom only won because the election commission started brazenly counting votes against the recall while also counting the votes for the recall, and accurately reporting which option got more votes.”

Elder blasted not only the California election board, but also the very concept of voting, elections, and democracy.

“We all know that the best system of government is what the founders intended,” Elder said with confidence, “which is a system that keeps conservatives in power and their voters’ feelings unharmed. Therefore, if you count votes, and those votes come in higher for a Republican’s opponent than for the Republican, those votes are automatically null, void, and very probably, maybe, illegal.”

Mr. Elder also divulged that he fielded a call from a one term, twice forever impeached former president.

“He called me and asked why I hadn’t petitioned the Electoral College to declare me the winner yet,” Elder announced. “Honestly, we hadn’t even thought about it, but he’s right. If any institution in this country helps keep the egos of losers coddled and gives them an unjustified sense of entitlement, it’s the Electoral College. So, we’re looking into that option right now.”

The next California gubernatorial election will be held in 2023. Democrats in the state legislature have pledged to address the recall laws in the state.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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