Sunday, April 18, 2021

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“But I’m For Law and Order!” Shouts the Cultist Being Arrested for Their Attempted Coup

FT. DUMFUK, TENNESSEE — “But I’m for law and order! Don’t you hear me? I back the blue! Why are you doing this to me?! I’m a PATRIOT!”

The shouts echoed throughout 47 year old Burt Thompson’s neighborhood as FBI agents placed him under arrest. Thompson is now one of dozens of Americans who have been investigated and arrested for taking part in the siege on the capitol rotunda back on January 6th. Burt told OAN today that he had gone to D.C. as part of the “Stop the Steal” protest with thousands of other angry Trump cultists, and when he heard his Dear President tell everyone to march down the capitol, where Congress was officially certifying Trump’s loss to Joe Biden, Thompson says he “sprung into duty.”

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“I only went down there to try and stop them from stealing the election from us. It’s our election. It’s our country,” Thompson told OAN, “and these socialist commie cucks think they can just outvote us and get to set the policy agenda? What country do those idiots think this is? So of course I believed that farting mayor guy, and that rat faced scarecrow Sidney Powell when they said Biden stole the election from us. Why would people who are known liars and con artists lie to us?”

Thompson and scores of others like him broke into the secured capitol rotunda shortly after Trump spoke to them. During his speech, Trump riled the crowd up and stoked their anger against Vice President Mike Pence, who Trump feels personally betrayed by after Pence decided the Constitution was a little more important than the president’s ego. Thompson told OAN that he had no intention of harming Pence, just “helping to round him up and make him do our Dear President’s bidding.”

“I’m not a criminal! I’m for law and order,” Thompson was heard shouting this morning. “How can you all do this? Maybe I technically broke a few laws, but I’m for law and order! Maybe I committed violent crimes, but I am not a violent criminal!”

Throughout his failed re-election campaign, Donald Trump tried to frame himself as the “law and order” president from the party that cares about law and order. However, as key swing states counted their votes, it was Trump supporters harassing and threatening poll workers. It was a mob of pro-Trump Americans like Thompson who stormed the capitol.

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“Sure, I tried to do a coup, but I don’t think I really understood it to be a coup so much, at the time. Besides, I still think you can call me law and order, yes,” Burt told OAN via a phone interview from jail. “Because I’m in favor of laws that preserve the natural order, which is to say melanin-free,which is to say white, which is to say racist. WHICH IS OKAY because of the Constitution. I rest my case.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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