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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Lindell Now Has to Sell MyPillows Out of His Car Trunk in Church Parking Lots

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell told OAN this morning that because so many retailers have dropped his line of products, he’s been forced to peddle his wares by driving from state to state, selling his pillows out of his car’s trunk. Lindell has been mostly sticking to church parking lots and Chick-Fil-A drive-thru locations.

“Jack, I tell you what, and you can trust everything I say as completely true because why wouldn’t you trust a former crack addict turned devoted sycophant in the Trump cult,” Lindell said, “this is clearly part of the Deep State’s offensive against the truth. They know that once I hit the glass dick hard enough, I will find and/or make up the evidence I need to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that six trillion votes were taken away from Dear President Trump and given to Sleepy Joe.”

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In the last few hours, retail giant Costco became the latest company to pull MyPillow products from their shelves. They join a host of retailers who have decided to cut ties with Lindell because he keeps trying to convince the public of Donald Trump’s lies regarding a stolen election. Lindell is also the subject of a couple of lawsuits brought by the voting machine companies whose reputations he has repeatedly impugned with baseless allegations of fraud.

“The Deep State is scared, Jack. They’re scared that what the Loch Ness Monster told me about Antifa, Inc’s plans to use George Soros’ zombie army to overtake our country from within will get out to the public at large,” Lindell insisted, “and that they’ll believe me and then President Donald John Trump will be re-installed as our forever king. And another thing, Jack, I’m tired of people calling my crazy just because I say crazy things. I’m tired of them calling me a liar just because I repeatedly say things that aren’t true. This isn’t America if a rich white guy isn’t allowed to create the reality we all live in.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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