WASHINGTON, D.C. — If America is on the brink of war with Iran, President Donald Trump can count on the support of most of his Republican colleagues in Congress.
Perhaps none will be more vocally supportive of Trump’s aggressive strike against Iran than Sen. Lindsey Graham. The South Carolina Republican told reporters this morning that he is “150% okay” with Trump ordering an airstrike that killed Iranian Major General Qassim Suleimani just a day after an attack on the U.S. embassy in Baghdad, Iraq. The Trump administration has championed their response to the attack, drawing parallels between it and the attack on a consular building in Benghazi, Libya back in 2012, under President Obama’s administration. The White House wasted no time announcing their beliefs that Iran was ultimately behind the attack on the embassy in Baghdad.
“Look, this president has been under siege for years now by a Democrat Party that thinks they have some kind of right to hold his power in check,” Graham told media reps today. “They keep trying to attack the powers of the presidency with the Constitution and so-called accountability. He’s in the fight of his political life, and he needs something to show the American people he’s as strong as he desperately pretends to be.”
Graham caught himself backhandedly insulting Trump and stopped himself short. He reached back and smacked himself across the face as hard as he could.
“Sorry about that, everyone. Sometimes 2016 Lindsey Graham shows up and I gotta remind him we’re not the same guy anymore,” Graham explained the smack. “The point is that if anyone knows when best to use the might and power of our awesome armed forces, it’s the guy who has never once served the country, whose kids have never served in the military, and who probably can’t spell the word ‘tank’ or ‘missile.’ I believe that with all my heart, y’all.”
Asked point blank if he thinks Trump is essentially “wagging the dog” — a term coined for when presidents have used military action in an attempt to distract the citizens of the country from some damaging political scandal or another, Graham angrily chided the reporters for asking the question.
“Hell no he’s not wagging the dog! He hates dogs. Everyone knows that. You have to have empathy and compassion to have a dog, and our good, clean, imperious overlord president is not capable of those things,” Graham lambasted the reporters. “If anything he’s wagging his spurs. He’s got to do something to keep the American people from thinking too long about all the things he’s done that violate his oath of office, doesn’t he? He’s got to make people forget he’s a bargain basement cowardly bitch who made up a fake medical ailment to get out of fighting himself, doesn’t he?”
He’d done it again. He inadvertently insulted Trump. Graham smacked himself in the face again.
“That’s his right as the commander in chief, to wag his bone spurs all over any country he wants to,” Sen. Graham insisted, “even his own if that’s what must be, in order to maintain his fragile grip on the presidency.”
Fighting back tears, a clearly emotional Graham plowed on.
“And let me tell you something right here, right now. Real patriotic Americans fully support President Trump wagging his bone spurs,” Graham said, stripping off his suit to reveal himself wearing only an American flag thong. “Literally anyone who questions a military strike, particularly one ordered by a Republican president, I believe should be investigated for treason and cuckery.”
Before wrapping up his impromptu presser, Graham said he had a message for the American public which was vital for them to hear at this time.
“You want to make a difference for this country? Sign up to fight and die so Trump can be re-elected,” Graham said. “If you’re too old to fight, sign up someone else’s kids to die in your place. Great American patriots like Sean Hannity, Frau Laura Ingraham, and Rush Limbaugh have doing exactly that for years, and I cannot think of a better trio of people to model yourselves after than those three. There’s no reason to think they’re not as correct about this new war in the middle east as they were about the two wars in Iraq.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.