Lindsey Graham ‘Warming Up’ To Taste Of Trump’s Rectum

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Throughout the 2016 presidential election season, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was one of the loudest, most outspoken critics of then-candidate Donald Trump.  Graham once famously tweeted a dire prediction for his Republican Party, should Trump go on to win the election.

However, since Trump’s inauguration, many people around the capital — and indeed the nation — have noticed a marked turn in his tone and attitude toward Mr. Trump. Since the death of Graham’s longtime friend and confidante, Sen. John McCain of Arizona, Graham has notably shifted his tone and rhetoric about Trump. Now, the president can count Graham among his fiercest defenders. 

In a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing this morning, Attorney General William Barr was invited to testify in regards to the Mueller Report. It was learned just last night that, despite Barr’s public statements, and his congressional testimony to the contrary, Robert Mueller himself took great exception to how the work of his team was summarized by the attorney general. Barr has been trying his hardest to defend his conclusion, that the president didn’t commit obstruction, despite lengthy, episodic recounting of several efforts to do just that, because in his estimation, there was no underlying crime of collusion, or conspiracy, among Trump’s campaign and Russians.

Democrats have pointed out numerous times that Mueller’s report is actually much more murky on the subject of conspiracy, and essentially lays out the impeachment case on the obstruction of justice charges. In today’s hearing, Graham opened the proceedings with a speech that didn’t focus on Trump’s campaign, the Russian efforts to collude with them, or even the Mueller Report. Instead, Graham made it clear he intends to use the committee’s power to investigate the Obama administration, and even reopen the Hillary Clinton email investigation.

Graham focused more on the actions of a closed FBI investigation into Clinton than he did on the Mueller Report and Barr’s highly suspicious behavior surrounding it. Graham’s opening statement had many on the HIll wondering what happened to the man who, in 2016’s election season, had a much more critical view of Trump and his tendency to lie.  During a break in the hearing, Sen. Graham gave an in-depth explanation for his about-face.

“I guess you could say I’ve just had the opportunity over the last eighteen months to start warming up to the man,” Graham told reporters this morning. “And I’m not only warming up to him as a person, either. I’ve had the ability now to warm up to the taste of his butthole, and it’s quite exquisite, really.”

Sen. Graham explained that at first, when Trump’s anus started tasting pleasant to him, he was shocked and concerned.

“No one, including me, would have ever expected that I’d grow to like, or even love, the taste of Donald Trump’s poop chute,” Graham said. “But as anyone who has watched me over the last year can attest to, I absolutely adore it. It’s like ice cream, except you know, racist, plutocratic, and with a soupcon of white collar criminal activity.”

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During Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation process, Graham went viral when he railed against Democrats, emotional tears beginning to form in his eyes.

“Turns out, those tears were like the extra seasoning I needed to just belly up to the bar and suck down a nice, big pint of Donald Trump’s anal seepage,” Graham said. “I guess if the ends justify the means, it’s justified to drink from his end.”

Graham paused.

“But one thing I will not do is lower myself to fellating the president, not after he’s insulted me so much,” Graham said. “I mean, who do you think I am, Ted Cruz? I haven’t killed anyone, and I eat my boogers in private, sir!”

Graham turned on his heel and ran away.

This is a developing story.

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