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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Local MAGA Boy: Nike Should ‘Make It Up To’ Trump Supporters and Put Flaming T’s On Their Shoes

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and country music singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins has already taken all his Nike shoes and burned them, he told his audience today. Bohiggins, who also said in today’s episode of his podcast that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should apologize to the guards at the immigrant gulag she visited this week, decided to boycott Nike and burn all their clothing items he owned in protest.

“So they gonna cancel the Betsy Ross flag shoe just cuz Colin Kaepernick points out how white supremacists have co-opted that flag and it’s become a so-called symbol of hate,” Bohiggins asked rhetorically. “Welp, you know what, I’m gonna burn all my Nikes, and I suggest all you MAGA boys and girls do the same. We can buy our shoes at WalMart if we have to, but we ain’t supportin’ no anti-American footwear company no more, fam!”

Nike announced this week that they were canceling a shoe line that would have featured the “Betsy Ross” American flag on them. The flag, which was sewn by Ross and widely considered one of the first flags of the United States, has been flown by white nationalists at rallies and has become a symbol under which they rally. Kaepernick, a former NFL quarterback who lost his job largely because he refused to stop protesting police brutality by kneeling for the national anthem before football games, reportedly pointed this fact out to Nike’s executives, who in turn decided to cancel the shoe line, sparking outrage among conservatives who say Nike is bowing to pressure from liberals.

“Liberals hate America! That’s why they keep participating in our system of government and getting duly elected like the commie despotic dictators they are,” Bohiggins ranted. “So a few of my white brothers have decided to fly the Betsy Ross flag, so what? Oh, so would Nike be opposed to putting a confederate flag on their shoes now? HISTORY HAPPENED, LIBTARDS!”

Bohiggins says that the Trump administration should “absolutely look into opening up the laws” and forcing Nike to sell the Betsy Ross flag shoes anyway.

“I believe in small government, of course, but Nike is being petty and caving to pressure from libs! If they were caving to pressure from conservatives and donating all their money to anti-abortion causes, then that’s a different story,” Jethro yelled. “The free market can’t allow private companies to make decisions in their own best interests! Not if it means hurting conservative feelings! We deserve safe shoe spaces!”

If Nike wants to retain a loyal, pro-MAGA customer base, Jethro says, they need to “immediately make amends and extend an Olive Garden branch,” and he knows exactly how they can do that.

“All they gotta do is un-cuck themselves and make a shoe that’s bigly pro-MAGA,” Jethro demanded. “Maybe make them specific to Trump! I know! They should make a show with flaming T’s on the heels! Of course, the libs will say it’s Trump’s ego run amok again, so maybe they should be lowercase T’s, just to be on the safe side!”

Representatives from Nike did not comment.

Another Story: President Defends Ivanka At G20: “Plenty Of First Ladies Try To Conduct Diplomacy On Their Daddy’s Behalf!”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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