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Sunday, September 25, 2022

Scientist Thinks She Can Prove Madison Cawthorn’s Body is Hosting Timothy McVeigh’s Spirit

POOPSCOOP, VIRGINIA — Dr. Henrietta Kittenz wrote on her popular blog, devoted to biology and science, that she has undertaken a study she thinks could “shed some really interesting light” on one particular member of Congress.

“What my study seems to indicate, is that there is quite a good chance that Rep. Madison Cawthorn’s body is the host organism for the disembodied soul of American traitor and domestic terrorist Timothy McVeigh,” Dr. Kittenz’ blog post states. “Obviously, there’s a long road of peer review ahead of us, but the evidence so far shows us that there are very few things that Cawthorn and McVeigh don’t have in common.”

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Kittenz cited recent comments Cawthorn has made that seem to justify and even call for a second violent insurrection, such as the country witnessed back on January 6th. Speaking to Republicans in his state, Rep. Cawthorn called the last election “stolen” and alluded to what violence might befall the country if more “rigged” elections happen in the future.

“Of course I still need to run the DNA samples through the whosma-wha-jabobby or whatever we science-y people do and say,” Dr. Kittenz said. “But both McVeigh and Cawthorn have gone on the record preferring to murder Americans rather than beat them at the ballot box, and both men clearly don’t respect the rights of any Americans who disagree with them politically.”

Kittenz, a paranormal researcher at the Spanglerstantz Egon University of the Paranormal, believes that she may be able to prove, using the right instruments, that when McVeigh died, his soul left his body, and wandered the country, looking for a host body to possess. When Cawthorn ran for Congress, Kittenz hypothesizes, McVeigh’s “spiritual essence found a good biopsychological fit.”

“Which, as any amateur paranormal doctor would tell you,” she informed us, “is absolutely vital for a proper soul-bond to form, and that’s the key to the whole possession shebang.”

Dr. Kittenz informed our reporter she will keep us updated as her experiments and studies provide useful data.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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