WASHINGTON, D.C. — ISIS and MAGA have announced a new, joint venture today, calling it in a press release the “first domestic-international terrorist exchange program” of its kind. Inspired by the actions of 17-year old accused murderer Kyle Rittenhouse, ISIS reached out to several prominent members of the MAGA cult and worked out a deal to send some of their home-grown terrorists to the U.S., and MAGA would send some of its best, like Rittenhouse, to ISIS.
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“We had no idea that we had so much in common with MAGA,” a spokesterrorist told reporters today from an undisclosed location. “We had even less of a clue how far along MAGA’s radicalization program has gotten! President Trump has only been in office four years and he’s already gotten himself a MAGA-bomber and now that 17 year old MAGA-lante just kid!”
ISIS wants their young recruits to “possibly learn something from the MAGA cult” that they couldn’t teach them.
“Once we learned that MAGA and ISIS have the same goal of killing Americans in the streets,” the spokesterrorist explained, “we decided there had to be some kind of mutual interest in sharing trade secrets. We’ve never actually cared if Americans are killing Americans. Hell, it cuts down on our overhead when they do. We just think all of our young recruits could learn something from getting terrorist training in a different country.”
This development could seem surprising or alarming to many Americans, but our sister publication, The Political Garbage Chute, reported last week that ISIS sent a letter of congratulations to the White House after learning of Rittenhouse’s assault on Kenosha. It could be the next logical step for ISIS and MAGA to team-up, given that they’ve discovered shared goals and aspirations.
“Dear Mr. President Trump,” ISIS writes, “we hope this letter finds you in fine, pussy-grabbing spirits! We just wanted to take this opportunity to helping us out. After all, our goal is to kill Americans, and apparently, that’s your goal too, so long as the Americans getting killed wouldn’t be voting for you in the first place. While we, of course, want to see all Americans killed, we’ll settle for someone who’s at least half on our side!” (PGC)
“It’s just crazy to think about, you know? We just didn’t think it’d be so easy to find Americans willing to kill other Americans just because they disagree politically,” the spokesterrorist said, “but here we are anyway. It’s just nice to know, at the end of it all, how many people out there want Americans to die, know what I mean? Really warms my terrorist heart.”
On a related note, Trump announced that he was considering establishing a cabinet post for Mr. Rittenhouse. It’s unclear whether Rittenhouse will fulfill this new position’s duties from prison, should he be convicted on the multiple counts of murder and assault he’s facing. However, Trump said that he and Attorney General William Barr had “already been discussing some stuff” in that regard.
“Bottom line is that since David Duke turned me down, I need a Secretary of Race War,” Trump explained while farting as he walked around the White House grounds today. “That Kyle kid? Seems like he’d have everything we need in a strong race warrior, don’t you think? Just some thoughts. Who knows?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.