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Monday, June 5, 2023

Man Strikes Decisive First Blow in War on Christmas Putting Up Lights Before Halloween

CENTRAL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Inspired by President Donald Trump’s speech at the Value Voters Summit yesterday, Kevin Palumbo went to his garage this morning, grabbed his ten foot ladder, and all sixteen boxes of Christmas lights he owns, and he put each and every strand up on his house. It’s the middle of October, Thanksgiving is more than a month away, and Palumbo says he was filled with a “soaring sense of pride, patriotism, Christianity, and sycophancy.” When he was finished, he took a step back and snapped a selfie in front of his house, posting it on Instagram with a caption of, “Libtards don’t get it, but we don’t care! Patriotism and Christianity are back baby! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU CUNTS!”

“I just think it’s so important now, more than ever, to broadcast and blast your Christian faith at full volume all the time,” Palumbo told us in an interview this afternoon, “Because even though the Bible and Jesus literally taught us the opposite, fuck them! We’re Americans we do what we want!”

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During his speech in front of one of the largest annual gatherings of social conservatives in the nation’s capital, President Trump said that under his leadership “attacks on Judeo-Christian values” would end. Kevin admitted to us that he wasn’t exactly sure what Trump meant, because he doesn’t really feel attacked at all, but then after hearing Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh tell him for six hours straight how right the president is, he found himself feeling attacked when he went to Wal-Mart.

“So I’m in Wal-Mart,” Kevin said, “and I notice that they already have Christmas stuff out. Which is fantastic! I’m like, hell yeah, it’s not even November yet, and we’re saturating the marketplace with iconography and merchandise that celebrates and honors our religious holiday. But you know what? They also had Halloween stuff out. Why the figgity-fuck does my beautiful Christian holiday have to share retail space with the Devil’s Day? LIBTARDS. THAT’S WHY.”

Kevin told us he  feels that putting his lights up this early is a “blow against Cultural Marxism and bleeding heart liberalism” that he sees as the biggest threats the country faces today.

“Jesus taught us to be charitable and kind to the lowest among us,” Kevin said, “but he didn’t say we had to be fuckin’ cucks about it. And I’m sick to goddamned death of not being greeted with a hearty Merry Christmas back when I shout it into someone’s face and make a big deal and show out of it, expecting everyone in earshot to rip open into applause. So you know what, Trump’s right, god-fucking-damn-it, MERRY COCKSUCKING CHRISTMAS, LIBTARDS!”

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Now that his lights are up, Mr. Palumbo has planned more “ingresses into the battle lines of the War on Christmas.”

“I’m going to start caroling this weekend,” Palubmo said, “and I’m going to start ordering peppermint lattes from Starbucks right now. If they don’t have them, I’m going to scream at them that they don’t love Jesus. And if they give me one in a red cup, I’m going to brandish my 9mm — WHICH THEY CANNOT TELL ME NOT TO BRING IN CUZ SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED — and scream even louder about how much they hate Jesus and God and America and freedom.”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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