COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — During the entirety of the Benghazi investigation, right-wing podcaster, YouTube creator, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins relished every moment of it.
Bohiggins didn’t care if depositions were conducted in private, behind closed doors, by the House Republicans. They had the majority, Jethro explained during one of his recent Rantin’ Right with Jethro segments on the The Iggle Report, which airs weeknights on AltFacts.
The GOP majority at the time meant that they had “the right and authority” to conduct the investigation into the September 11th, 2012 terrorist attack on a U.S. consular building in Libya “however the doohickey gall darn heck they wanted to,” Bohiggins said. Congress is a coequal branch to the executive, and Jethro insists that “getting to the bottom of the rampant crime, corruption, abuse of power” during the Obama administration was “the most important task in U.S. history.” He’s not a fan at all, however, of the current impeachment investigation underway by Democrats, who are now in the majority.
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“Fam, when you’re investigating the Democrat Party, you gotta pull all the stops out. Everyone knows that keeping HIllary Clinton from becoming president is literally the most important thing in the history of our country! She is an un-American socialist commie, you see,” Jethro explained, “and, hair-go, you have to be willing to do what you gotta do. Fairness be damned, fam! So you better believe that I loved every single minute of that Benghazi investigation. Except the part where they couldn’t find any, you know, evidence of wrongdoing, but I’m also really glad they kept spending taxpayer money on it, and still bring it up to this day as a way to remind Americans that they should be more mad about Benghazi than the call Trump made with President Ukraine!”
Jethro is “absolutely livid” with how the Democrats have run their impeachment proceedings so far. He calls it a “partisan political impeachment,” and says Democrats still have yet to produce the “smoking gun” that proves Trump is worthy of impeachment.
“Freddy, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times,” Jethro told Iggle, “but you can’t impeach a president without proof of Oval Office oral. This is established, constitutional fact! No blowjob, no impeachment! It’s just that simple. But here we have the libtarded Dem socialist cucks trying to do just that. Excuse me, but if the crime ain’t gettin’ a consensual hummer in the Oval Office, then I don’t think it’s high enough, or misdemeanor enough if I’m being totally candid, fam.”
Though he is not a licensed, practicing lawyer in any state, Jethro says he’s “watched enough Prager U videos” to understand one thing about impeachment — Democrats aren’t even allowed to do it.
“It’s a coup, okay? It’s always a coup when they try to use the so-called Constitution to so-called impeach our so-called president,” Jethro howled. “The Constitution don’t give no powers to Democrats, only Congress. I think we need the Burrito Supreme Court to weigh in on whether Democrats are even legal citizens, frankly! Cuz only legal citizens should have the right to impeach! This was all on a Prager U video I watched, and why would Prager U lie to us? Why would they tell us stuff about how impeachment works that isn’t true? They wouldn’t fam. They got no reason to. Only libtards lie. Remember that, folks. ONLY. LIBTARDS. LIE.”
Slugging a tallboy of American domestic lager, Bohiggins said that the Democrats have been “using their constitutional powers so meanly” and that their meanness should “disqualify any impeachment efforts.”
“They’re just being so flagrant with how they’re trying to hold him accountable,” Jethro said, clearly fighting back tears. “But, I’m sorry, if we had to endure eight years of a barely center-left, URBAN politician telling us things like trans people exist, women’s sexual reproductive choices are their own to make, and that guns aren’t benign tools of peace, comfort, and safety, then y’all libtards gotta deal with at least four terms of Trump! Cuz we get to give him a third term if you try to impeach him and fail! It ain’t in the Constitution, and he’ll get a bonus term for being so great, and you know Cocaine Mitch and Lindsey Graham will back that play. Nothing matters no more anyhow!”
What really irks Jethro, however, is the thought that there could be some kind of politically damaging ulterior motive behind the Democrats’ impeachment of Trump. An emotional Jethro told Iggle that he’s “sick to the point of puking” over the thought of Trump’s 2020 chances being harmed by a “lawful and constitutional impeachment effort.” Bohiggins says he has no problem with the White House stonewalling the investigation because “impeachment is for Democrat blowies, not Republicans blowing it.”
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, a Republican, once famously quipped about the Benghazi investigation that harming Hillary Clinton politically was one of the intended outcomes. Bohiggins says that was “way different” because of “reasons and freedom and liberty and these colors don’t run,” which he says is a very “fine and good, logical argument.”
“This is just so typical of libtarded Dems. Oh, sure, we can’t impeach someone for getting a hummer from another adult,” Bohiggins said, “but we can impeach someone for being a grossly incompetent, lawless, wannabe tyrant? Are you out of your goddamn minds, libs? Of course you is. Of course you is. You’re libtards. You don’t even have what normal scientists — you know, the ones who know there’s only two genders and climate change is a Chinese hoax — would call a brain anyhow!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.